Deep Sadness

[JAVISI]

Dear Friends,
I went to my sons court yesterday. He was planning to get out on bond and live out here on the farm with me. I was so excited. It would sure help me out!
His Lawyer and the county Attorny agreed on 50,000 dollars bond.But the Judge set it for 100,000. That is way to much money for our family to come up with:( I could see the sadness in his eyes. He has been in jail since January. I miss him so much!
I kept his 3 year old daughter last week when she got her tonsils and adnoids out, She sobbed for her daddy. I started crying too, I just couldn't hold back.
What a sweet girl, she looked up at me and said Nama,"Are you all right"? I told her yes I just missed her daddy to! She held me tight. I told her that her daddy loves her very much, she told me "I know" We then layed down and fell asleep. He wants to get out so bad before his sentencing, so he can hold his baby girl, kiss her and hug her tight!
My heart breaks for her, I try to get her and have her spend the night as much as I can but for health reasons, She really wears me out. I don't think she gets much attention at home. She has 4 brothers.
Her mother got pregnant by another guy while my son and her were togeather. She cries when she has to go home. I have heard her tell her daddy so many times, I don't want to go to mommies, I want to stay with you!
The last time she stayed here she cried when it was time to go home. She told me I am home, I am with you! What a sweetheart:D . I would keep her forever if I could! My boyfriend and his son whom is 13 loves her too along with his whole family!
My boyfriends dad is in the hospital, they removed a 500ml, blood clot that was wrapped around his lung.
Now my grandma, Had a radical mastectomy over 30 years ago so they are not saline implants they are gel (I can't think of the name) One is leaking. it is covering her pacemaker/defibrillator. No one wants to do the surgey because, her heart ios so bad. her odds are bad! I am so afraid that she will die. She is my only grandma and has always been there for me. I have so much on my plate, my head is spinning.
Just needed to vent! Thanks for the support in advance;)

[Buttons2]

Javisi, since you can't do much about any of the current situations I suggest you just try to fill each day with as much good/positive as possible. Granddaughter will get to be with daddy eventually right? He made a mistake & the court's position is to punish him. It's sad that others' have to suffer also......try to think ahead to the future. This will all be over with & then comes the next phase.......pray God gives him the strength to say no to alcohol!

Trouble seems to come in batches huh?

I don't have any answers, just want you to know I feel for you & what you are going through. You are a tough lady, you will survive this,believe that everyday when you wake up.

Vent away, that's why BT is such a comfort....

Big HUG,Buttons

[joy]

hi laurie

i'm sorry it did not work out. i understand all to well the kind of life your grandaughter must be living to not want to go back home. she does feel at home with you and that is a wonderful statement about you and your giving personality. but as i am not healthy myself i understandd all to well how hard it is to take care of a young child. i will not forget you nor your troubles and will have you in my thoughts and prayers.

[JAVISI]

Buttons, and Joy,
I am so thankful that I have such wonderful and understanding friends in the both of you! The day that Travis went to court I was so depressed I couldn't bring myself to post anything at all!:(

I do beleive that all things happen for a reason, I am still trying to come to terms with all of these problems. It sure helps to have people to stand by my side.

My boyfriend and his family are so supportive. I am so lucky in that respect. I beleive in devine intervention. After I left my husband. My ex. boyfriends mom passed away due to cancer. His siter came over to tell me. I dated him when I was 15. He always treated me so nice but at that time in my life I didn't feel like I desrved to be treated nice.

He has been so great through all of my illnesses. Always by my side. I am sure that his mom brought us back togeather. She always said that I would be her daughter-in-law someday. I just wish she were here to share in the happiness we both feel.;) .

When we started dating it was like we had never left eachother. He had been divorced for 10 years and has custody of his 13 year old son. Whom I love too! He has been wonderful to my kids, wanting Travis to move out here to get away from the drinking. My grandson smiles and wants to go to him before me. :) .

I am happy in that respect of my life, the firsy time in too many years:mad: I am in love and am truely loved back, for me the way I am, finally I do have that type of happiness in my life! I just moved in with him out in the country, I love it out here. I really don't beleive in living with someone. I think it sets a bad example for my kids but I could not live with my parents any longer. My mom's alcoholism was taking its toll on me. Wearing me down. Making my immunity level low due to the constant fighting and stress.

Thank you again for your care and support!

[joy]

hi javisi

oh it is good to know you are happy. it gives the rest of us that are down for whatever reason hope! i am going to pain management doctor today. ebesides the usualy things you have to worry about i have extra ones that always concern me, like how will my bowels and bladder act today? or the next feew minutes sometimes. i can't plan on a good day ever. not pain wise, not in other ways and for sure not happiness. even having my grandaughter who i love so much is getting to be very hard sometimes. but harder still to see her go. and all ther time just knowing her situation is getting worse as is my own daughter's. any yesterday, wel i don't even want to talk about the awful things that son did and how uipset he got his dad. son just cannot let things go. stupid jealous things and it is destroying everybody. and the worst of it, my husband's sister is haveing a part of it to make it worse.

as for your living arrangement do you know what i thoingk? i think it is wonderful you and someone who cares for you found each other. let's face it, you are not some young kid just getting together to have FUN! my own mother was left alone at 46ish. and stay alone except for us kids until manmy years later. then she met a few women friends and they started going places. my mother did not have a vehicle and did not drive. she led a horrible lonely life. but a gent;eman too up with her. after a FEW YEASRS, he parked his van outside her house and slept in it. now if you ask me if i thought anything was goinmg on, i have an answer. i used to laugh and say i imagine poor________ did not get anything but a few meals and a lot of arguing! but later my FIRST sister-in-law started in "what do i tell my kids" i said, what are they asking? we don't KNOW their arrangements.

you know what? this same sil later started cheating on my brother! so right then and there i developed this neat attitude which i'll share with you. i think we'd all be better off if we took care of our own business, keeping our own lives in order and then everybody would be better. off. start with yourself and keep up the good standards. or you might just slip iup yourself! i know. and i think it is good advice. not what everything always appears to be is what it looks like. and it YOUR business!

i am glad to hear you have someone and are not lonely and it sounds as if it was meant to be. there is a higher judge than any walking around here on earth anyway. i don't like fingerpointing at all. that is why my family is being torn apart now. that and people's mouths that have nothing better than discuss and tell every word they say that comes outta their mouths to everyone else in their family. oh yes, i have been on the inside and have heard things sister has said about her OWN sisters and brothers. if they all only knew how one in particular is, they not listen so much!

well i have to quit stalling javisis,, it is time to get ready for doctor. oh and i dread it. he pushes hard on all the spots and it will leave me hurting for days or longer. i can't even be hit on arm or anywhere like people do when they are laughing and lightly slapping without it hurting.

hope things work out for the best with your son. and i understood what you meant by wishing you could keep that sweet grandaughter you spoke of in another thread. if kids are not happy, we tend to not be as happy either ourselves. and sometimes there is no way to fix it for them.

[JAVISI]

Joy,
Thank you foor the encouragement! I really needed that! Yesterday we took my Grandma out for the day and had luncch and went shopping. I really wasn't up to it and wanted to cancel, my bowels were in overdrive:mad:


My grandma has a breast implant that was placed over 20 years ago that ruptured, it looks like sshe has a very large orage over her pacemaaker/defibulator, then it rruns under her arm. She has been dealing with this for over 2 weekss. The implant is silicone. No one wants to do her surgery because her heart is so weak. They don't think she will make it through the surgery:(

I love her so much and am scared. I really don't want to lose her but she says, "I will die if I don't have the surgery and may die if I do. She may have a weak heart but it is so full of love and life, she is strong willed. So in my heart I think she will make it!

I have so many problems, medically and emotionally! I am ready for a little break. But I do have my boyfriend and I could not ask for more. He is so loving and caring:) . I really don't think I would make it if I didn't have him. We both needed eachother. We met again after 20 pluss yearss, at his mothers funeral. We have a picture of her on the wall, she is smiling and I beleeive that she had some devine intervention in this, just by her beautiful smile!

I am so happy that I have all of you to talk to! You also make a great difference in my life and I thank you for that!!!:D
Friends always!

[joy]

hi again. well i'm ghlad you wre able to go with your grandmather. i myself have troubles sometimes annnnnnd go anyway knowing it will be very difficult with so many trips to bathroom and all that goes with it. but the alternative would be just staying home completely. and i've done that except for doctors visits and therapy. lost relatives and friend during that time because i coul no GO out to eat, GO shopping and so forth. seems like i was not worth just a visit to see how i was doing or to talk. even my own sosn threw stuff up to me and still does over things i cannot control. so i try to just let it go. and truthfully not get my hopes up with the same people again. one friend has let me down so many times that i no longer get excited when she does call as i know she NOW has a problem and wants i guess a pity party. sorry but i've done that repeatedly and when i am in time of need she is always overworked or too busy to even call.

on the other hand i do habe a wonmderful friend that lives quite a lonh way from me. but yet occasionally we do get to visit. not for long but a visit is a visit! and what's more wonderful if time has gone by and she has not heard from me, she CALLS! it is usually just when i've mentioned i want to call her too. so i know she's thinking it's been a long time since i've heard from my friend.

but i have to say my friends on internet hear from me more than she does. her husband and grown boys are all into computers big time, even make a living at it, but she refuses to learn, lol. but i love hearing her slow drawl talk. it is southern like mine but not nasaly and well it is just plesant listening to her talk and laugh.

i hope you had a good Easter today. i know it was sad with your son but could not be helped. i am also aware that you would not mind prayers for you grandmother. i only had one grandmother and after grandaddy died when i was 6, she became so set in her ways and unhappy she was not what i think about when i hear grandmothers mentioned today. but still i missed her when she passed. i was short changed in grandpa department also as i was way to young to remember the other one when he died. that is what made my mother's gebtleman friend special later on in life. he treated my family so good and my kids sorta got a taste of what a granddad was all about. i was s ad when it ended for my mother and him. we still saw him but it was not the same of course. my daughter just told them at work when he died, my grandad died and i'm going to the funeral!


did it get weirdly cold where you are? some people had planted garden and flowers and lost them. i haven't planted anything in so long i did't have to worry about that. but i used to have my humming bird feeders out by the second week in march just in case of early arrival. i do no this year and if there were any little birdies they sure had it rough. i hope to get their sugar dose out this week.

well you and family will all be in my prayers. keep us informed when you can especially about grandmother now.

[Buttons2]

So many people have much worse problems to deal with 24/7 than we do. I know that doesn't help much, but it does remind us to count our blessings!

I was very fortunate to have both grandmothers plus a great-grandma when I was a little girl! Nobody loved me like they did. My own mother was never one to show affection or love.

As you know Laurie, I also have several alcoholics in my life. Yesterday I made my Happy Easter phone calls early hoping to find them sober! One sounded good & is trying to get on the ball with her life,first steps towards SSDI & low-income housing (she slept under a bridge @ one point). The other one is threatening suicide (my sister). I had nightmares last night about that one!

Every single day with an alcoholic in your life is a wait for the worse situation.We truly have to take it one day at a time.

Will pray for your grandmother, I'm sure she is very nervous right now. Too bad she has to suffer this way.

And keep in mind your son will get all these days in jail subtracted from his sentence so might as well get it over with now so when he's free he can see his little girl & won't have to go back right? I haven't been in your shoes so I'm just trying to see the bright side versus the black.

Didn't know the story of how you ended up living in the country, thanks for update. I also live with someone but it's not what you would call a relationship. I've been with him over 10 yrs now. It's a relationship of convenience & works for both of us. I do believe God intervened with us also.

So glad to hear you are in love! Nothing better for the soul & spirit! You deserve this Laurie & I pray it all works out well.

Joy, I know exactly what you mean about friends not giving a hoot-can't even take the time to call & see if we're still alive! Well, this is pretty hard to accept especially when it causes us to wonder if we ever really had a friendship in the past or were just being used. Looking back over the past few years with one of my friends I realize what a drag I had become,never felt like doing the things we shared over many years......such a long walks on the beach. No longer any extra money for lunch out or trips together. People can't understand "hidden" pain. Plus everyone has their own problems to deal with & guess that makes them just plain selfish. Friendship isn't marriage, there's no "through sickness & health". Anyway that's been my experience. Also, I think people feel scared-like they will catch what we have or something. My friend had seen first hand my worse myoclonic episodes, must have been pretty freaky!

Hey, we have each other & so many more here on BT, that keeps me going!

BIG HUGS all around, Buttons

[JAVISI]

Dear friends,
I hope to find you with a heart full of happiness! I feel like half of my heart is happy and the other half is so full of saddness. I moved out to the country with my boyfriend, it was a sudden but not thought out move. I could not deal with my moms drinking, it was making my illness worse just from the stress.
I dated him many years ago when my self esteem was so low I didn't feel I desrved a nice guy like him! So I broke it off. I thought of him over the years a big regret. I got in contact with him when his sister came over to tell me their mom was dying of cancer. She died before I was able to see her. The entire faqmily including me feel that she brought us togeather:) .

He had been divorced for 10 years. He has custody of his 13 year old son. We get along good. He also gets along with my kids and grandkids. I am so happy that I have him. I am learning what it is like to be treated with love, respect and a rare but true caring for me.

I am just sad about my son being in jail especially on Easter, his next court appearance is on the 18th. I am sad that my other 2 kids rarely contact me. I am so lonely and want and miss them so badly! I miss seeing my grandkids on a daily basis like I used to. My love for them is undescribable! I am frustrated that they wear me out so fast it is hard for me to care for them. I get so tired and short of breath. With one being 3 and the other a little over 1 year!

I am scared of losing my grandma, I hate my moms drinking but I do know that I can do nothing about her drinking. Yes, one day at a time is the only way to get through each day. It is hard to watch someone that you love drink them selves slowly to death and not be able to do anything about it!

I am thankful for you all! You make my days bearable! Thank you so much for that!:)

[Tootsie]

I haven't been on the computer much in the past few days and have found much new information about you all!

Laurie, I was so elated to hear of your new living arrangements. It sounds as if you have that loving, caring relationship that you have yearned for and it is giving you joy and peace. I am so happy for you. It does make the pain of your son's incarceration a alittle easier to bear, knowing that you have someone to share it with.

I know what you mean about being worn out by those preshool grandchildren. I last on the floor with them about 10 minutes before all my aches and pains catch up with me. Oh, don't I wish I had some of that energy! I had forgotten how many ways a 2 year old can say, "no." Cheerio.

[JAVISI]

Joy and Tootsie,
Today is my Grandma's appointment. I am a little anxious about it but I beleive that things will work out the way they should. My Grandma and I are so much alike. We worry about everything and everyone!
It did turn unseasonably cold here. I will be glad when it is nice outside and stays that way. I love to open the windows and smell the fresh air.

I think of Travis each and every day! I love him so much, my heart aches for him. He tries to be strong but I know that he is scared. He always tells me mom, don't worry, I am okay! All I want you to do is to help take care of Javisi. She is hard to care for when it is just me. She clings to me when we are alone. It is nice when my boyfriend and his son get home, they both love her too, So they help me keep her busy:D .

I wish my other 2 kids would at least call me a little more. I really miss them too! Sometimes I think they have taken sides with their dad. Then I also think he is so demanding of them that they follow his lead. It is hard when I don't have the ability, like their dad to visit them as often. I also think that they think he is more fun, he drinks and goes to the bars. I don't do either of these things, so I guess he has more in common with them!:mad: .

I do love my life now and they do really like my boyfriend:) . I am happy about that. He really helps me, he helps me when I am feeling down. And he loves me despite my illness or what I can give him. Unlike my ex! He has helped with my self esteem. I can't describe how wonderful he treats me! That helps me to keep going! And so do all of you!
With many thanks, Laurie;)

[Survivor60]

Hi Javisi,

All of you wonderful people deserve the very best. I have always admired you and always will. You stand right where you are. I guess you know "where" I'm talking about. Your "heart". It has always been in the right place. So here is the situation you are in: You are loved and admired by your (boyfriend is it)? WOW! Now I"m getting jealous but I AM so happy for you that he is a good man. Your other children? Your safe. They know their Mother and how much you love them. The truth ALWAYS comes out if someone is playing games. Travis? Oh yeah. He will come home to you no matter how long it takes. Your granddaughter? She knows she is in the best hands and adores you. Nope. You don't need to move from the very spot you are standing in. Follow that wonderful warm heart you have and it will lead you to where you stand right now. Physical and emotional problems? Nothing compared to the number of people (relatives and friends) that love and adore you. On this site, we are all handicapped in some form but everyone here knows what a great person you are including a little 3 year old boy I know. In fact, he is helping me write this. All of your life, you have been there for others. Now it is time for you to realize how everyone is now here for YOU!! No, I don't frequent here much. Too many emotional problems. Most days just trying to hang on so I can't handle any strain or stress. May not be back. I don't know. I do know that I just had to risk everything to convey to you just how lovely you are though as a person. Please never lose sight of that. I miss all of you very much and I cried when I saw your gorgeous names in this thread. (((((((HUGE HUGS TO EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU))))))

[JAVISI]

Survivor,
I was so happy when I seen your post. I have not heard from such a long time! I lost contact with everyone when I left my ex. I hated that but just because I was gone you and so many others were not forgotten! I am so much happier since I left my ex. He was really rough o0n my towards the end. I was not worth anything since I was not working and paying all of the bills. He moved in with another woman 2 weeks after I left. I am glad because he leaves me alone!

I still come to this site to help others and in return it makes me feel better! But here lately life has hit me some really hard blows. I almost died during my last 2 hospitalizations. I have been fighting pneumonia and so a gastrostomy tube was placed, when that was done, the surgeon knicked my bowel and I went into septic shock. During those times I realized that I want to live. I want to help others I still have that drive!

I lost contact with my ataxia friends but have met so many wonderful people new and old. I have missed you and wondered how you are doing? I often think of that 3 year old.

From your Nurse:)