Quit the job I loved, & everything going downhill...

[leeoh9]

I have got to the point where I don't know where to turn.

I quit the job I loved two weeks ago...big mistake. I had always said they would have to fire me before I would quit, but they kept coming up with more and more difficult and stupid rules.

The final one was when "One" of the "Upper Management" told me that I had snubbed her when I left work (had worked 8 1/2 hours with no breaks except two bathroom breaks...and I was exhausted!) She knew the right buttons to push, as she said I was "Nasty" to her "Everytime we talked"....which was SO far from the truth, as we often chitchatted about her grandkids, etc.

The next morning I left my letter of resignation on the general managers desk, finished my shift and went home. He never came to talk to me about it. I did not go back. I was supposed to be full-time, but they had cut my hours so severely that I was only part-time, and so much to do! I phoned, and phoned the following week to beg for my job back....but he would not return my calls. I firmly believe that they wanted me out, and they got what they want.

I was devastated, as I am 60 years old, and there is no prospect of another job at my age. And even worse, my husband was forced to retire in January, and he has no hobbies, and we do not communicate....never have! I have dealt with extreme depression, OCD and panic attacks in the past....and all this has intensified since I quit my job.

So now we are two old people stuck in a house together....I have no time away from him, as he goes nowhere, and neither do I, as my self-esteem is in the gutter. We live in a small town of 1500, where many of the stores (I was managing a gift store) have closed due to people shopping in the nearest city!
(Oh....how we all love Wal-Mart...NOT:mad: )

Money is an issue....my therapist has called me once, and said she would get right back to me....that was ten days ago. Our two "kids" (and 2 grandkids) have moved away as far as they can get from me....and now the youngest
(37) has been diagnosed with cancer. My three sisters do not talk to me...parents are gone, of course.

My last visit to the doctor (we have a choice of 2 here) was a disaster....he had no time to listen to me.

Can someone tell me which way I go now? I would just like to go to sleep and not wake up, I feel so useless! I cannot do volunteer work, because of the way I look. I go out as little as possible, and even walking my dogs yesterday, although they loved it, I felt like everyone was staring at me.

Sorry this is so long....but it is just the surface.

[jordal]

please vent. you feel like you have no where to turn but this forum is a wonderful olace to vent.

First of all you are not useless. i repeat NOT. dont go to sleep aqnd not wake up.... thats not ok.

i dont know what your story is but im here to listen.

if the job was getting so petty its a good thing you got out of there. it would only get worse.
as for your husband, unfortunatly many men dont comunicate:confused: no offence to anyone in paticular...

you said that you cant volenteer cause of how you look. i cannot imagine anyone looking bad enough to be turned away... if you are worried, you can apply for 'behind the scene' help.
money seems to be a prob for many of us and i know how much it sucks how overwhelming things can get it really sucks


please dont think you are useless, you are a very important person no matter what. i will happily listen to you and any issues you might have... i have to say that i like you already, you put your words well... concider wrighting???

as for hobbies, do you like gardening (can do it in pots) i find it rewarding to plant seeds and watch them grow. i like to have tomato plants in the house through the winter so i still see the usefulness. i plant my vegie and flower gardens from seeds as that is the most rewarding... i know it sounds silly but it helps me dwell on the little things. pm me or just reply id love to hear back from you... nikki

[jordal]

o by the way where about are you (country?) just thought id ask! nik

[leeoh9]

:( Thank you, Jordal, for your kind reply. Of course, I dont agree with a couple of the things you said. This job was the first time in my long life that I actually was proud to say that I was the "manager" of a gift shop. I was able to do all the ordering, computer and paper work, mail orders, and all the sundry things that were involved....and all this with only 3 days training. For once in my life, I actually thought I could really do this. The gift shop was located in a resort spa complex, and I loved meeting the people, and had many compliments on the shop.

So that is why the loss of this job has affected me so severely. I am not a very good handicrafter, and, as I said, family has pretty well deserted me, and I doubt if this sham of a marriage is going to survive, unless we do so for financial reasons, being that we own our own home, shabby as it is. So yes, no matter what anyone says I still feel useless. Yes, I enjoy writing, but at this age, it is too late to start anything like that. Plus, it costs an arm and a leg to try to get published.

I take as many pills as I can to kill the pain, and often lose count. I thought I was having not a bad day today, until the "girl" who is taking over as manager phoned me tonight for the password for the computer. I refused to give it to her, and will continue to do so. The system I had was so archaic, kept breaking down, and crashing. They can buy a whole new system for her (she's a real looker!) because I was treated so poorly by the upper "pseudo-gods". I was only being paid .05cents over the minimum wage....yes, you read that right...and they refused to pay me more.

Your comment that men dont communicate does anger me, as I saw many, many men shopping with their wives in the shop, showing little indications of affection, etc. so I know it happens. My husband talks to me about the weather and the dogs, and that is it.

So perhaps I am beyond help.....at 60, and with no real use for anyone around here, what is the point? The only thing I can look forward to is old age and poorer health. BTW, I am a fellow Canuck. Thanks again for caring.

[Tootsie]

I assume that you are in Canada? Do you have an Unemployment office or similar type of government agency there? If you are unemployed in the US, that is the first place that you go.

With your managment experience, I think that you should prepare a resume, and mail it to all the local businesses. Indicate that you are available for full time, part time or "on call" employment...anything to get you in the door. Once there, you can find new contacts, use the skills that you have acquired, and learn new ones

You indicate that you are 60 and not a "real looker." As long as you are neat, clean and professional dressed, that is all an employer really looks for, if they are worth working for. Your former employers will soon learn whether or not the person they hired to replace you, can actually do the job.

Have you considered any kind of private business venture? Caring or walking other people's dogs while they are at work? Babysitting, for those dogs, while the owners vacation so they do not have to put their dogs in a kennel. You could stop by once or twice a day, to feed, walk, water, play, etc.

The loss of a job, for any reason, can make all of us depressed. Looking forward, getting your daily exercise and looking on the bright side of things, can help. Just think of how stressed out that job made you and all those disagreeable people you no longer have to tolerate. Cheerio.

[leeoh9]

Thank you, Tootsie, for your reply. Yes, here in Canada, we have an "Employment" office (the powers that be think that "UNemployment sounds too negative)....and I've paid enough "E.I." over the years to take advantage of it. The problem is that since losing my job, I cannot go out in public because of the awful things that were said to me, and to draw EI, I have to be ready, willing and able to work. We live in a small town, and there is not much being offered.

My main problem is that I hate myself....and making this rash decision of quitting the job I loved makes me hate myself more. I have been told since the first day of school how ugly I am....lets put it mildly and say I have not got a nice smile.....in fact, I could not take it anymore and quit school two months into Grade 12. Despite the low self-esteem, I decided that I would be the best I could be, and dress nicely, as you said, and be friendly,etc. but still, when I am deep in thought, I look terrible. So it is best I stay home. If I could wear a bag over my head, everything would be OK.:D

I do have an eBay store, but in order to get things to sell, I would have to go out to auctions, flea markets, etc. I have thought of some home-based business, but everything I come up with I have to expose this face to others.
I seem to be able to start the day off with a positive outlook, but as the day wears on, and I keep thinking (as one wise woman said, I think too much!) the depression takes over, and I just go back to bed.

It would just feel good to laugh again.:(

[moose53]

((((((Lee)))))),

http://chocolate-moose.p5.org.uk/MINIS/huggiebears-mini.gif

Sounds like you're facing what I call *A MESSAGE FROM THE UNIVERSE*. I've found that when you're doing your best and being your nicest and still getting messages from people that you interact with that there's a problem -- it's NOT because there is something wrong with you -- it is because you need to make a change. The Universe has probably been subtly sending you messages about this for awhile. And you haven't paid attention. So ... The Universe is now screaming at you.

Lee, I know what it's like to get THOSE MESSAGES drilled into your head over and over again until you believe them. You're stupid. You're clumsy. You're ugly. You're weird. Your voice is very irritating.

Over and over and over you hear that -- from family, from relatives, from stupid, incompetent teachers who should never have gone into the teaching field. You hear -- until you BELIEVE IT.

Honey, do you know how many times you said in this one message -->> "I'm ugly", "I make bad decisions", "I don't have a nice smile", "My doctor doesn't listen to me", "My therapist doesn't call me back", "My husband doesn't talk to me".

GOOD GRIEF, Lee. No wonder you don't like yourself. If you talked to me like that, I wouldn't like you either.

Sugar, what you've got to give yourself is the gift that The Universe has been demanding from you for probably your entire life -- the gift of love.

I don't care if every tooth in your head is rotten and broken and crooked. I don't care if your hair is all falling out. I don't if you're grossly obese or anorexicly skinny.

THE PACKAGE DOES NOT MATTER.

I want you to NEVER-EVER, NEVER-AGAIN say the words to yourself that you heard as a child.

I can just tell by the pleasure that you got from your job -- you felt competent, and capable, you loved interacting with the customers -- I can just tell what kind of a person you are. You are like a bird that's been trapped in a cage her entire lifetime. Every once in awhile, someone forgets to lock the door and you sneak out and SHINE and SING.

That's what you deserve, Lee. Happiness. And joy. And laughter. And the feeling of being needed and wanted.

Grab that husband of yours and take him outside to "show him something". Throw snowballs at him. Or play catch with him. Or chase him down the block. Or splash him with water from the brook or the pond. Find out if he will play with you and laugh with you. If he won't, it's time to think about kicking him to the curb.

I quit working 6 years ago. The commute was too hard and I couldn't get my temporary employer to give me a parking space. I figured I'd leave and find somewhere else to go. I'm close to your age and I worked in the computer field with twenty-something year old boys/men. You get the message from your employer that even though you do a fantastic job, there's not ORGANIZATION FIT there. I got that message. As soon as I would show up for an interview -- that was it -- they didn't want me.

My work was my life too. That was the example that I was given. My Father died less than 6 months after he was forced to retire. He had golf. He loved golf. He was such a TOTAL CASHEW about golfing that he even painted his golf balls with fluorescent paint so he could play in the snow. Then ... he had a fight (a stupid fight) with his best friend -- the only other guy in town that played golf in the snow. That was the end of his life. He went to bed and read and watched TV and didn't talk with my Mom at all. Then he died.

Lee, you're being given a second chance to HAVE A LIFE. Grab onto that chance with both hands and take advantage of it.

If hubby doesn't want to come along for the ride, ride without him.

There are places for you in This Universe. Places where you fit. Places where you belong. And places where you can be happy and be filled with joy.

Lose the bad words and the bad feelings about YOUR SELF.

Show the world what's inside the badly wrapped package of yours. Smile. Laugh. Make jokes. The package doesn't matter.

Ask any Mother, the best gifts that they ever got were the ones that their kids wrapped in toilet paper or stuffed in a brown paper bag.

Don't put the paper bag over your head. Carry in your hand -- so you can put toys and flowers and gifts in it.

BIG HUGS.

Barb http://chocolate-moose.p5.org.uk/MINIS/holding-hands.gif

[JAVISI]

Dear Friends,
I can understand your sadness about losing your job. I was a Registered Nurse. I worked until my boss finally told me that I was becoming a risk to myself and my patients. I was heart broken. It can still bring me to tears at times. It was so much a part of my identity and gave me so much of my self esteem.

One thing that helped me was when my daughter told me that I have always given to others, and now God is giving me a break. You don't know what is in store for you, maybe something much better that will be even better than you ever imagined! Don't give up!;)

[joy]

well gosh now i know i need to leave my husband, or probably he needs to leave me! i just came from my first visit with my new doctor. forgot to take my blood pressure medicines. was up all night with severe cramps. even had to call on husband for once to help massage my leg it was that bad. come to think of it, he came so i won't kick him to curb and maybe i will be nicer to him as well. just trying to make light but believe me i was crying when i left that office. i went because i had seen my pain management doctor and i already knew i was in trouble because i had so much pain i could not even stand to test out the dummy shot they give you first. i explained all this and showed him where the shots were and where my pain was. i should have demanded new ct or mri so i could show the pain management doctor the problem.

he asked about sleep apnea. i explained why i did not wear my c-pap machine, because of severly dry mouth. i said i'd quit every med that i could that caused dry mouth and had tried creams, etc. in mouth at night but skin still stuck to teeth so bad i just could not slrrrp with machine. he asked if i wanted to see a sleep doctor in with them. no, no you didn't listen.

guess what i got stuck with. high blood pressure. it was just 160 something over. well not the usual 190/90 or 218/118 it has been. it is high because of lack of sleep and pain. and oh the quizzes about my medicine.

so i get up unhappy and feel better later in the day.

if you have the time in the morning, i'd love to hear from you. then if you need a lift up by night time, i'll do my best to be upbeat for you. it is a good set up. i was waiting to see if you ived near me. drat wouldn't you know i'm stuck in arkansas, lol.

but we can still visit on computer. my reactions also was i have NOT ever seen anyone as ugly as you made yourself sound. i know you are a sweetheart inside because you loved being around people. i imagine you did not stand around and gossip or laugh at the customers in the store or ignore them. keep sticking to your guns about not helping the new girl. i got shafted the same way on a job i loved and finally let them have it after 5 years. just bide your time and keep up with how you were trying before.

bty, husbands do tend to help others and be awfully quite at home, don't they? please someone say yes as i never get to talk even if it is with my friends. he is always doing the talking and i never get a chance. i'm forgetting how to carry on a conversation. bty i am 61. so leooh9 don't worry about the length. this is not pm where you have to really watch the length. i had sworn off posting but just could not let you get away with all the sacks....if you must use them, use paper - save the plastic ones and send me.

here's a funny for you (it sure was to my mother and daughter). we had a lot of sacks stored at our camper and hubby lost his cool about how many ---sacks did we need, etc. we saved all we could and gave him a nice gift wrapped present at Christmas. i don't know if he loved them or not but us women got a laugh anyway. we deserved it after having to hear his rant. get revenge, live life and enjoy it every now and then. i am down a lot too but just every now and then i use something that pulls me down to make myself dig my way back to the top. right now it's going to be to show family and inlaws they aren't going to make me miserable any longer. i am going to overcome it with God's help. friends desert you if you can't go shopping or eat out. lose weight and they shun you more. i put it back on but will never sabatoge myself like that again should i ever lose the weight again. and if i don't, i don't care if i weigh 400 pounds, if i get a chance to put my toes in the water at a pretty swimming hole or beach, i am going to find something to wear and do it! i went on the only cruise to the bahamas i will ever get to take and was probably 220 at least and because my neighbor did not want to be seen in a swim suit i never got to get in the water. i was down hurting and let them make the arrangement. stay on the ugly island and did not even get to see a beach put in passing. there was a beautiful place that ophra windfry had shown on her show that we could have gone and see, even wore regular clothes. but no. my only chance to get away and we spent more than it was worth because we had to go when they wanted so price was higher. after they learned how to do it all and had us drive them to airport and all, they took another trip and never asked us. it probably was best but they just used us to learn how to travel, lol. us, i mean husband. i had never been on airplane befor either, lol or ship. or out of arkansas much. so it was not a total disaster, lol

keep sharing. we all need help and are willing to share the bad and good. i'd be interested in what your name means if it is not to personal. if so that's ok to.

sorry really rattling as i really did not sleep and don't make sense even when i do sleep.

[leeoh9]

Thanks, you 3, for taking time to reply!

MOOSE...when I read your letter, it picked me up more than anything has in the past 3 weeks (including the brief call I got from my "therapist"). I was thinking I should copy and paste it, and put it in my self-esteem binder,

I have not had any "silly fun" for so long, I don't know how it would feel. I had called my job "fun" but that was in a different sense. When I took it over 6 months ago, it was very sudden, had three days of training.....and I inherited a real mess. The computer had crashed in May of that year, and
none of the inventory had been put back in! So I worked through lunch time and coffee breaks.....would actually not even get bathroom breaks at times, unless I could find someone to watch the store. But I still loved it...it made me feel good about myself.....that is, till the bombshell dropped the day
before I turned in my resignation.

And besides, there can be no "fun" with hubby...he would think I was really nuts, plus he is leaving for a two week stay at our daughters place in the US this coming Tuesday....he says he has to get away from me.

JAVISI.....thank you, too, for your comments. You can relate to the hit to the self-esteem when something like this happens!

I had always said I would never quit, that they would have to fire me for "just cause" first....and they couldn't come up with anything, cuz gosh darn...I WAS doing a good job despite what they threw at me! And then I go and "shoot myself in the foot" when this mini-God hits me where it hurt the most! So, I blame myself for being a quitter (just like the ol' saying that keeps going through my mind..."quitters never win, and winners never quit!") But I played right into their hands, and they got what they wanted. sigh! I desperately need someone to talk to....cannot just keep taking sleeping pills....and eating chocolate. I wish there was someone I could call for phone counselling, as I just cannot leave the house at this point.

JOY...(and I said I had no "joy" in my life!)......When I first read your letter, I took it as the typical "get off the pot and do something/drama queen/pity party" type comment. I KNOW that there are people in this world that are much, much worse off than me, and I should count my blessings!:(

In fact, I WAS registered on this board under this same name some time ago (for some reason, my name and posts had disappeared), so I re-registered. (BTW...I'm a Leo and born on the 9th...thus the name!) I had not visited here for some time (also, puter crashed last summer and I did lose a lot of stuff
....so thought that was the reason) but reading the sad, sad posts that are here tended to depress me even more. So I stayed away for a while....and then realized when I needed help again, that this was probably the best place to go!

But I re-read your post, and know now that you are not being sarcastic with me....although maybe that is what I need... a good boot in the rear end...I don't know. My own mother told me many times to smile "with my lips closed, so people would not see my teeth"! The name-calling and bullying
was so intense when I was in school that it just got drummed into my head. Nowadays, the authorities are beginning to see what that bullying can do, and are starting to do something about it....but back then, reporting anything to a teacher just got one labelled as a "tell-taler" and it just made things worse.

In my adult life, I decided that I would hold my head up, and if people didnt like what they saw, they didnt need to look. I decided I would take good care of my teeth (I am horribly self-concious when I go to the dentist...but go regularly anyway!)

I decided that if anyone liked me for myself, then they were a true friend, and the rest could go (fill in the blank________!) But there are times when I get sabatoged, like the verbal attack from the "pseudo-God", and
the self-esteem goes in the bucket, and I bolt, like I did with my job.

So here I am....no friends, no job, just my 'puter and the dogs who love me unconditionally...ESPECIALLY if I have FOOD in my hands! Thanks for putting a little "joy" back in my life, joy!

P.S.(I like your quote by Stevenson....and have added it to my "Soul Boosters" collection.) Sorry this is so long, people!

[moose53]

Thanks, ((((((Lee)))))),

I'm glad my words were helpful and appreciated.

There's a lot of us that understand what you're feeling. S'funny I think of us as sort of "tween-ers" -- we grew up between the time when Mothers were supposed to stay home and with kids <<-->> and the time when you were supposed to work to "find your true self".

A lot of me, too, was tied in lousy jobs: a lot like you described -- disorganized, sloppy, poorly managed. Those were the ones that I shined in. I got a chance to get the praise for doing such a fantastic job; felt the self-worth from doing such a great job. Until ... I went into contracting. And I started seeing the people that were being hired to "replace me". Good grief :eek: When I was preparing to leave a job as a word processing operator, they brought in a woman to be a word processing operator/supervisor. How could she 'supervise' anything?? She did not even know how to use a computer. So ... SHE never had to work until 9PM ... she got someone else to do it 'cause she 'didn't know how'. She actually used to call me at my new job and ask how to do things. When she started giving my phone to others that worked with her and telling them to also call me, my foot went down BIG TIME.

I've learned that employers don't really VALUE their good employees. They're thankful when they have them. But, they're just as willing to go back to the way it was before we ever worked there.

I've been having a hard time figuring out what to do with myself since I retired (forced, disabled). I've tried a couple of things and failed. OR, as my favorite quotation says "found two more ways that don't work" :D

Don't be afraid to test those wings of yours, Lee. It's much better without employers that don't respect you and it's WAY MUCH BETTER without a husband that doesn't like you. Flap those wings real hard, sugar and see where they'll take you. I have a sense of peace (inner peace) that's taken me a lifetime to find. I don't criticize myself when I do something wrong. I finally accept that I'm never going to be that perfect little girl that my Daddy wanted -- and you know something, I'm OK with that (better than OK :D ).

Stay strong. Respect yourself. Don't use the words from your childhood to describe you or anyone else. Tell us about your dreams. And tell us the steps that you're taking toward those dreams.

BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb http://chocolate-moose.p5.org.uk/MINIS/schaf2.gif

[joy]

good to know the meaning behind a name. so thanks for sharing. no, no sarcastic reply from me. to close to being between a rock and a hard place myself. i just wear myself out usually trying to be upbeat sometimes with everyone that i forgewt to cut myself some slack sometimes and ask for help myself. that was what was behind the request to share when you were having a good moment, if ever.

i like javsis thread about 5 positive or good things. if you knew some of our stories and pasts you will recognise that this is a good place to be. so stay and share with us.

[Cry Tears]

I love this saying...its so so true:
Beauty is only skin deep...but ugliness goes clear down to the bone!

They are the ugly ones....NOT YOU!
You have inner beauty....if they had a car wreck or face burned in a fire, they still have that rotten personality they've nurtured down inside.
At least if you aren't what others think is pretty to look at, at least you have a beautiful heart and mind, soul and being!
I'd rather be standing next to you somewhere, than to be standing next to my neice who could be a beauty queen.
She has only surfacy beauty...and I know she's had boob job, cheek implants, lipo suction, butt implants, lip implants and all the plants you could add. She's higly educated, smart, blue eye'd, blonde, tall, thin....just perfect!
She's gorgeous! But you have something she may NEVER have!
She's 35 years old and CANNOT find a suitable husband!
She's tried over and over, came close to marrying a multimillioare old Jewish doctor....dated him for 5 years...then they broke up!
She drips with jewels that sparkel off her bangles....her blue eyes draw anyones attention. Her stature of 5'10" commands respect!
She is a physcians assistant and works in Hollywood for a famous plastic surgeon...so I'm sure she gets her body work for discount price! Lucky her!
I'm hopin to one day be blessed enough to have her even talk to me one day, thats if I can pull myself together enough...its almost like getting to stand in front of the pope she's THAT wonderful! ha! I say that rolling my eyes!
I've seen her and listened to her talk and act over the years....how she makes fun of those who're less than her. My husbands brother and his wife are so proud of her....have little regard for us...thinks we're scum because we've adopted girls who're not as pretty because they're a different race than us...blonde blue eye'd...you know the look! Live in a million mansion in best part of town...drive expensive cars.....this girl is big time SNOT!
She makes faces behind your back...anytime I'm in her presence I feel totally uneasy and want to just get away from all of them.
They've made fun of us because we attend church faithfully and have given ourselves into it....our money investments have been to help others and not self...so we don't have the fancy "Stuff" like they have...we don't take those fancy vacations to Las Vegas or Carribean Crusise like they do...and they laugh when we talk about camping...thats for hillbilly low class people!
I know, Wendy will talk behind our backs once we're outa her sight.
I know she'll make fun of what my kids wore, or what my motorhome looked like inside....messy, with 3 dogs, camping gear and grandkids junk!
I don't live up to "her" standards! We don't even come close to measuring up to my husbands brother and his family. And to make matters worse....his wife got several million dollars from her fathers inheritance! While we struggle to pay for the 2 days my husband spent in the hospital for chest pains.
Did they call, concerned or even send a plant let alone a cheep card? No way! My cyber freind here on BT did 100 times more than they even thought of doing!
And do I care about this plastic person? Not really! I veiw her as the ugliest person I've ever ever met...that she's 3rd world ugly on the inside, while having HollyWood beauty on the outside.
She can have this taken away in one single traggic accident one day...then what does she have left? What freinds would stick around when the bandages are pulled off? That would really be ugly then wouldn't it!?
So please....you must change the way you're veiwing yourself.
Its wrong, wrong, wrong! You are NOT ugly! and NO one is staring or looking at you! I promise! It may be your very low self esteme talking to yourself this way and its so wrong of you to do this to yourself!
I'd rather wake up being you....looking wht you may call homely looking, than to wake up being Wendy...full of plasticness...with a phoney life!
I'd much rather be your best freind...and if Wendy were the last person on earth....I'd rather die alone than have to be judged by her standards any day!
Those people at work...you say told you that you'd snubbed them!
Scuzzzzz me! Howw bout you had to listen to this self focused numbskull about her ugly grandbrats...probably her head rattled so much she failed to look up long enough to see if you were even listening...let alone asked about your grand kids!
They've formed their own little "club"....stay away! They don't want you because they're into themselves and soon thier club will all disappear, then some other poor subject will be told they'd snubbed them...then make rules and game play till they want to quit!
I think you did the best thing in your life! Good for you!
You were good enough to love yourself and not subject yourself into their little club they had going any longer! You are the one who's taken the high road...not them!
No...it was NOT a mistake....it was a very good thing to have quit!
Shake the dirt off your shoes from there...and do NOT go begging for them to take you back! I promise....that would be the huge mistake!
No amount of money is worth working there...I promise....not worht a cent!
You are sooooo smart to have the guts to quit like you did...you were good enough to self and had self love enough to realize they were hurting you!
Would you stick around if your husband beat you?
Thats what they were doing...soul murder!
It happens everywhere they're more than 2 women at work!
take this time off work to do good things for yourself! You need to do something that will help uplift your soul and do this right away before you go down any further!

Leo! Leo! Leo! Get up and Roar like the beautiful Lion you are deep down inside! You've got freinds here on BT! Now thats the begining of your "new life"...think of it this way....a new begining.
OK...I do feel very sorry for you...I know what poor self esteme is big time.
Although I don't think I'm ugly and I realize you think you are...Its all realative....people make assisments and judgments according to what is "standard" or what they're raised to think/feel towards others.
I know this is a very long post/thread...but who cares! If I can help you see you're worth loving and caring for...then that would be wonderful.

I've found BT forums and cyber freinds I've met here to be a life saver. Its like I finally have family and I'm liked for who I am and not what I look like or how poor I am...or how my feet may stink...or how my family thinks so wrongly of me.
You've got to break out of this madness...of you're thinking your'e not worth bunk...Idon't say this lightly....but you ARE worthy of our freindship.
It WAS the right thing to quit! That is the first step in getting out of a sick situation. You do NOT need to be with people who're ugly on the inside!

let me tell you about my very best freind I've ever ever had...maybe you will see yourself differently.

[Cry Tears]

I've been told by many that I am pretty,,,I probably was 25 years ago, But I'm 55 and wrinkled, fat and lost my brains!....I've never felt I am or was....my husband ALWAYS tells me this...but what does his opinon count! He's madly in love with me...and I could go a week without taking a bath or brushing my very very yellow teeth...and he'd still think I'm the most beautiful woman on this earth....he's madly in love with me.
I was very very ill years ago...so fatigued I couldn't flush the toilet, thats if I made it to one I was THAT tired.
I am a people person....I LOVE people...all people except pretty beautiful woman/girls who're snobby.
I have a very good freind I met when we were younger and in our mid 20's in 1978. While my husband enjoyed very gainful employment, her husband fought to keep his low paying job. We always had a beautiful larger home on veiw property...while they lived in a dumpy apartment.
We had a nice sized motorhome...while they couldn't afford a tent!

But....I didn't care! I met Martina at our church. We had invited her and her family to join us for lunch "rendezvou" up in the mountains in our motorhome.
They were game...we stopped at their apartment to get clothing changes and we headed out for the day.
Their son, Peter, was same age as ours so we at least had this much in common.
After lunch we talk, talked AND Talked like trying to catch up on life up to that moment.
We stirred the campfire way into the night.
When the tree we'd put in earlier burned down to the stub, dawn began to appear far off in the horizen. We'd talked the entire night away! Everyone else had fallen asleep in the RV.
It was like we had this connection...closer than sisters.
Martina and I were inseperable from that day foward.
It didn't matter what their financial situation was.
We shared what we had and that was fine with us.

Martina WAS rather pretty back then...maybe a little on the "pudgy" side.
I was thinner and not as "meaty as Martina but we're both tall and both have a quarter Mexican in us...our skin is always tanned looking.
One thing I've always enveid...her stark white beautiful perfect teeth!
Mine are hideous mustard yellow and falling apart, literally!
We both shared the heart ache of infertility after having our first child as teens.
Also shared fun stuff such as arts and crafts...but she's truely an artist.
Her degree's are in art and teaching....I studied geology...no one's interested in that! Unless they have rocks in their heads! But I love it!
My artistic "talents" pales compared to hers: Mine is childish crayola stick figures while she does facial portraits for studios.
I've always been jealous of her many talents. Its a God given talent, not something you can just learn.
We both come from terribly disfunctional homes, suffered sexual abuse from uncles, had sisters who snubbed us and husbands who loved working too hard.
As the years went by we continued our close freindship until we moved 1,600 miles north to Oregon.
It was a very tearful parting....you could hear us both wailing above the engines of our moving Vans as they pulled onto the hiway.
I've always wondered if that was the second biggest mistake we've ever made....the 1st huge mistake was adopting the 2 older girls.

Shortly after our moving here my husband got a form of deadly mouth cancer, long story! He lived thru the first surgery and radiation, but I felt all alone in this world, especially not having any freinds or family living here.
It wasn't enough just seeing Martina every now and then as time allowed.
Forced to work full time as all 3 children in costly Christian school.

I had no time for any form of freindship outside the phone calls and short visits when I'd fly back down to San Diego for visits with Martina and freinds.
No matter how much you care about someone, its hard to be close when too many miles and overworking are between you. When my husband was well enough to go back to work, he worked out of state...would fly to work on Monday, then back home of Friday...he did this for 4 years. Life was very very hard for me then, but I was very healthy...this was before my diagnoses of Fibromyalgia, then Crohns, then the AVM (anuerism)

Martina also began having health issues...the pounds she gained only added more problems.
Then one day she walked out of an Italian restaurant and their front step broke. As it gave way Martina fell hard breaking her back in several places.
If that wasn't enough....she had a massive staph infection after surgery and lived in rehab for months as she recovered slowly.
Being so sedintary only made her gain more weight...now she was up around 250 lbs or more.
Because of medical bills adding up AND her husband lost his job they were forced to move in with her mother and sister Marymargrets family.
Her husband, Pete met a cute little "honey"...Martina calls her his Crack=Ho!
So depressed, Martina ate herself silly...she gained 100 lbs more!:eek: Now up to 350 lbs! And being 5'10" she looked like Godzilla!
Her body turned on her and she began having auto immune break down on top of having the painful musle "disease" Fibromyalgia on top of it all.
Her hair began to turn gray, brittle and lost half her hair. Her eyes always have/had deep circles under them.
She could hardly fit into normal clothing...and couldn't afford to buy them if she could find any. I sewed her many tops that fit her. She quickly "grew" out of those. She looked just terrible. You could see peoples faces, the snears they'd give behind her back...because we didn't look like we belonged with eachother...a very mismatched "pair"....they never put us together, so I'd see faces, hear the ugly statments made thinking I'd agree.

[Cry Tears]

Beauty is relative isn't it?
If your child is ugly....would you care if they were? And who says they're not pretty or beautiful?
Do we pick up a National Geographic and not laugh at some of the photos, one especially where the men are all wearing modesty gordes over their, pennnises! LoL...Google the word Modlesty gords Nat Geo mag.
Half the men are barely 4 feet tall...huge tummys, mangled teeth but proud as can be if their gord happens to be larger than the next!
And those bangles the woman are forced to wear around their necks!
Those are condisdered beautiful! Remove them and their necks break!
And Chines feet wrappings! Horrid....I'd fail miserably over there in that contest! I wear a womans size 11 1/2...thats huge!
When I was in the 6th grade I wore a size 10....I was made fun of all the time! I was so self consciencous of this...I'd hide my feet any time I could. they used to call me Amazon woman any chance they had. I was desperatly poor and attended this very small "Christian School"...only 2 other class mates my age...both had grown up neighbors...I'd come in a stranger as we moved way too often. I lived in a dump...on welfare and my "mom" lived 100 miles away going to nursing school. My "dad" gambled and drank...my 2 sisters lived with another family...I was NOT loved or cherished thats for sure.
I was then kidnapped, drugged and raped by my only freind I'd met at the swim pool during summer...her 45 year old father did this to me.
My folks reaction to this...Cheryl...keep your mouth shut...if you say anything, tell anyone your mothers schooling will all go down in vein, and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT! We moved to S calif a few weeks later. Yeah, I kept my mouth shut and held that all in....let it fester for years! talk about mind rape! I don't know who to blame more...my folks or that man?
And its a no wonder I'm ill! Ha! Crohns is a digestive disease...in your gut!
No schiiieittt Sherlock!
Back to dear Martina...my very best freind in the whole wide world! MVBFIWWW! as we always write.
After the car wreck, half year in rehab....more back surgeris....100 more pounds on her....still trying for SSI just to have enough money for a darned sandwhich...living in squaller! No energy to get up and wash a dish! Food always from fast food or balognia sandwiches on donated white bread...what a mess! Her sisters huband, Dave fell ill...trucking half his life caused HIS kidneys to fail....and his sons kidney failuer had nothing to do with this...not a familial connection. Dave needed a transplant as well!:eek:
They repossed his trucks...they're costly...but he'd had them nearly paid, but medical bills came after him...so lost those...no way to work, besides, he was too ill. Then they lost thier home! So all 12 of them had no where to live except this tiny, very tiny dumpy home in a horrible section of town.
Here my father in law remarried to a very rich lady....both have these huge homes on top of a mountain...best spot in town with loads....can't even imagine! Anyway...just 3 miles from Martina....one of those 5,000 sq ft houses has been virtually empty for the last 5 years. It sits alone on top of this hill over looking the San Diego Bay and valley below...nice huh!
Our inheritance! Ha! No way would my inlaw allow such ugly people to live in his empty house...he has no need for it as he lives with another on her "digs" just down the road a ways...more big money! What a waste!
Anyway...I can't stomach going into Martinas house..when we were down there my grand daughter needed to potty...she came out holding her nose, making faces...I felt bad for Martina...but what can you say when you're 8 year old grand daughter is telling it like it is!? Martina just laughed...she has nothing to hide with me...but I just can't stomach this type living...like I said, we're sooo vastly different...but she's my freind and I love her more than my own sisters and bro put together!
So....now living in this shack...her sister and family moves into what they call a "house"..really a lean too with walls and a bathroom.
Martina and Pete living in the front shack...everything going status quo for once. Martina's now up to near 500 lbs, using a walker and on full oxygene round the clock.
She has a freind who owned a wrecking yard....gave Dave a job at night watching the place...at least Dave could do somting to make enough money for food! 2nd week on the job 2 guys come in and murder Dave!:eek:
He was working for pay under the table...NO insurance or anything to help this family. That was last November a few weeks after I saw them last.
Martina only blames her self for everything....that god must be terribly mad with her about something...but then look at Dave...he paid the ultimate price and Martina only set him up with a job...is not her fault in any way, but she's so upset...no convincing in the world will help her right now.
She was scheduled to have a gastric bypass this January....got some doctors to take her case thru Petes insurance...he finally got a job last year working for PGE!
But at Christmas, Martina got a bad cold, turned into Pneumonia, a month in the hospital....they don't know when they'll finally do the gatric bp.
Then she's gotten a foot infection...almost gangrene from lack of blood,she doesn't feel her feet because of the Neuropathy...hands either.
What can I say....her body has turned ugly on her, but she's still the same ol Martina under all that fat and skin.
Maybe I'll pst a picture of her then and now....but then again...its hard for me to share such with others...she's a wonderful person.
If only others could see thru the fat and see what I have seen for so many years.
Its taught me to never be judgmental of others and the way they look.
that perhaps laughing at the fat lady who'se using the handicart thats filled with donuts, white bread and junk food...that perhaps she's a beautiful person down under neath the uglyness she's hiding under beacuse she doesn't want others to see what they took away from her when she was so little and darling...when she should have been loved, cherieshed and nurtured, the apple of someones eye...instead of being abused, used and broken down like a whipped and beaten dog.
God didn't intend any of this when He created us long ago...but sin has taken its toll on His marvelous creatiion.
Blessings to all, cheryl
PS....I know this was a very very long post...but you don't have to read any of it...there's always the delete button!
I just pray that someone will realize that they are worthy of someones love and respect...that beauty is all relevant!
Then