hugs??? pls

[jordal]

hi there me again i was on line for a bit yesterday but only posted on threads, didnt start one...

well im so friggin stressed right now im so sick of waiting. i was supposed to hear by end of jan a date for clip. nothing. i called their office a few times only to hear how buisy they are and they trying to get me in. they called over march break with date, but didnt get message in time (only an hour) so i instructed their office that if a date comes up book me and let me know no matter how short notice ill take it.

im so tired. before i got sick i could tell something was going on with me. i was getting more tired and headaches were getting worse and i was feeling crappt all over. i thouhjt cancer returned (cervical when i was 19 opperations worked) i felt the dreadful draggy feeling before they found that, and before hospital when i had bells paulsy and im getting that feeling badly now


i think im going crazy. my left pinky and ring finger has been numb for over a month now dr says it prob in my neck. saturday morning when i woke up my eyes were really swollen (went on its own) and i had a sore to touch lump on the right side of forehead it worries me but i feel like the poeple around me are sick of hearing things not that i complane often, but if they ask how im doing i usually lie and i think they know but dont care. i think its easier for them that way. i hardly have friends anymore, just family and i feel quite alone

no one wants to know how i really feel. im the strong one chin up.... but im crashing.

i do everything for the peeps in my house. my kids 6&9 and man 30 everything. i do laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, take care of pets, make lunches, put kids to bed, pick out their clothes, run kids bath, make coffee preset for morn.... ect mom stuff. well i not always able to do it all. i get tired really tired. they never notice what i do until i cant. then i feel like crap for not getting everything done.
what will they all do when i in hospital? will they aprecieate me then?
i feel like im being selfish and petty. but i need to vent.
s.o. will say when i ask why hes grumpy that hes all stressed out about things cars, money, opperation etc. what the frig about me??????????? im the one who takes care of the bills, im the one who has to make little money go long way im the one who does without car when one not running. and most of all IM THE ONE WITH THE BOMB.... im the one going for surgery. and when that all healed i go for hysterectomy......... not them me me me me why do i feel like im the one that dosnt matter????
i think i need a good cry. or something. im frustrated, and so tired.... like exausted...physically. mentally and emotionally.
i need a hug, and a shoulder and someone who can slightly understand because it dosnt matter how many people are around i feel alone.

sorry guys typing sometimes helps...... all the best nikki

[ChrisC]

Nikki, first of all, take a deep breath. It's all part of the frustration that you encounter during this horrid waiting game. First of all, your family wants to keep things going normally - I strongly imagine that your husband is indeed worried about you - you DO everything around the house, and if the imaginary horrible hits (something happens to you), where are THEY and I'm sure that's major in his mind. It's not that they're not worried about you (I imagine the kids are a little too young to understand the gravity of it all), it's just that if they keep worrying about all the day to day stuff, the BIG stuff - namely your aneurysm - will stay on the back burner.

This is truly a time for a family sit down too. Have a good cry - you need one and I'll bet your family does too. (My husband still won't talk about it much - and it's been 4 years, but we did the family talk and I aired my feelings and they aired most of theirs - they never wanted to go to that really "dark place"). Tell them you need help - you can't do it all alone. Tell your hubby that you love him, but sense that he's holding something in and you need to know about his thoughts and feelings. Really reach out to each other. You're not being selfish or petty - you're exhausted with frustration and worry. Let it out and let them let it go too. It's amazing what communication can do to allay fears, frustrations and all that goes with a life threatening illness. Go to your doctor's office (if he's close) and tell them you'll leave when you have a date for your surgery. The squeaky wheel gets the grease, you know? Be nice about it, but be firm. You're heading into your 4th month and you need some closure with a date, so you can prepare.

Talk to your family doctor. You indeed sound down/depressed, and it's totally understandable. Be honest with him/her too! Tell them you're overwhelmed. There's good medication out there that can help you thru these tough days, and I strongly urge you to open that line of communication with your family doc too. Once you unburden your own shoulders and delegate some things, you might be amazed at how much better you do feel.

Please know that they're not really avoiding you or neglecting you, but until you open up with everyone, no one will be able to do anything about it. Right now, only YOU know, and you need to share. It's not being "oh woe is me". You're reaching out for assistance, just like you did right now to us.

My prayers are with you Nikki - let us know how you're doing.

[Kath5]

Oh Nikki,
I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling. I can totally empathise with you and if I was nearer would be there to give you a big hug...hope this helps ((((((HUGS))))))
I can understand your frustration in waiting to hear about your clipping. I was a year from diagnosis to my first clipping op in January. Hopefully you will hear something soon and that may help you feel a little easier if you have a fixed date.
I am the same as you when it comes to being the strong one, but I am trying not to take on as much as I did pre surgery. I had a week where hubby did the cooking, cleaning etc, but since then I have done it all. I also find it hard to say that I feel tired and not up to things, but I am trying to think of myself sometimes too now. We owe it to us and to our families to put ourselves first sometimes. This annie journey is a difficult one at times....
Please try and rest if you can and keep strong until you have a date.
If ever you need a shoulder please feel free to email or pm me....you have no need to feel alone you are among friends

Take care,

Hugs,

Kath
xx

[abigayle]

Nikki,

I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through and I hope you get a date soon.

Where are you having the sugery or where is your Dr? I'm in Toronto and I'm having surgery at Toronto Western Hospital. Mr. Dr. told me to call him when I wanted it done, which is what I've done. I have my pre-surgical appointment booked and will be having the surgery sometime at the end of May. I don't have a firm date, but it has to be within 30 days of the pre-surgical appointment.

If you are on a waiting list, can you get transferred to another hospital or Dr that can see you sooner?

Abigayle.

[jordal]

thank you guys i really needed that.
i am on anti depresants now and have been since november. i am pretty open with my gp she is easy to talk to. she just (month ago) changed around all my meds because of the probs they were causing, but doubled my anti dep.

i also will be having the surgery at toronto western and my ns is dr gintilli. i like him i have been in contact with his office a few times and im now on the 'short' list and may go with little notice. (week or less) which also scares me, but iv got all the important stuff ready for a date. kids will be with mom bills all set out pre cooked frozen dinners iv been preparing for him when im not there and when i get back. bla bla bla...

short list or not im going nuts. jamie is emotionally constipated and has always been a closed sort of person. i am a very emotional, compasionate and open person....... it really bugs him i know but i do need to talk to him... i need him now.

the kids are also dealing with it.... they are young but iv always been open and honest to them. they dont grasp the whole consept but know mommy is always tired and always has a headache. im not as much fun as i used to be and i feel terrible for it. i do my best with them and they are good kids. (mostly!)

i just feel overwhelmed like really. its so consuming you know? like the fatigue and headaches.

i know im not alone i know that you wonderful people are here to help and i am so grateful for that. because if i couldnt vent here id prolly explode....(getting close) sometimes i get down and i cant help it i know iv made my bed, now its time to change the sheets. i have to learn to not always put on the happy face and gladiator shoulders and just melt. easy to say.

thanks guys i really apreciate the support . hugs nikki

[abigayle]

My NS is Dr. Timianski (bad spelling!). From what I've heard, Toronto Western is one of the best hospitals in the country to have this type of surgery. I hope things go well and that they get you in there as soon as possible.

[FireflyR7]

;) I am so sorry about all the frustration, I kow it doesn't help your situation to have to wait!! I hope you get a date soon!!! I would call the Dr. and see if he wants you to go to the hospital for the added symptoms you have been having?? If it gets too bad, I would just go!!
It sounds like you are doing way too much. Did your Dr. give you any restrictons?? You really need to start getting some help at home hun!! You can't do it all!! Does your husband go to the Dr's with you? Does he fully understand a anuerysm?? He needs to help you out! I remember helping doing chores to help my mom when we were younger. We even stood on chairs to do the dishes... We dusted, folded towels... I think it is good for children to learn resposibilities at a young age. Maybe you can teach them some and tell them that they will really help out mommy when she gets home and how proud you will be of them?? :D (just my opinion) Do you have other family and friends to help you after the surgery??? You are going to need it for a while. My sis & friends came to stay with me when hubby was working his 24 hour shifts. You won't be able to lift or bend over for a while, or do stairs... I was blessed to have lots of help!! :)
It is normal to feel like no one wants to hear what your saying, it is hard for them too. :o I know the stress between spouses can be very difficult too, it seems to be the norm. for most men to react with anger or stress. They don't want to talk about worrying about you, it is too hard for them sometimes. Remember they are supposed to be the strong one and protect you, they can't do anything to protect you from this and it is hard for them!! I hope you find a way to talk through this. Sometimes they don't know what to say?? Esp. family and friends! :o
We know how you feel hun, that is what this site is for! A lot of us have gone through that, you have us and we do understand!!
I can feel your anxiety and frustration, I hope that things start getting better for you!! We will be praying for you! You just have to keep the faith and pray for the help you need! I wish there was something I could do to take this all away for you!!! Hang in there sweetie and you can cry on our shoulders anytime!! Love Tricia

[hstupno]

Nikki,

Vent away!! That's what we're here for. You have every right to feel the way your feel. You're overwhelmed and scared. Who wouldn't be, and hasn't been, in your situation. The good thing is that you've caught it before it ruptured. Just hang in there. I'm glad you found a Dr. that you like, that's very important. As you've read on this board, many people, just like yourself are walking around with those "time bombs" and are doing just that...walking and living and you'll continue to do so after the surgery. You'll need time to heal and rest, but you're a survivor.

Hang in there and don't EVER feel guilty about venting on this board and about feeling the way you do. This is a a very serious situation and should be treated like one, but, as you see on this board, it's survivable! God bless.

Heidi

[Kitty]

Nikki,

Oh, dear. Hopefully you'll get a date real soon, and things will get fixed and the waiting will be behind you. I'll say a prayer.

And here's a BIG HUG for you, 'cause I think you really need one!!

Kitty

[jordal]

:o well here we go i think iv lost my marbles! guess what i did last night. i cut my hair. it was to my waist and now rests on my shoulders. its all still one length... but 14-16 inches shorter. i dont know what i was thinking?????? i know im stressed but holly cow. i didnt talk to my man last night, he had a long hard day at work so i just left it. i didnt really do dinner last night, just grilled cheese...... i was in such a screwed up mood the kids were goofing around and he was going on about something about work so i slapped my hand down on the table and blurted out u wanna chop my hair? well everyone stopped dead and looked at me like i had 3 heads.

he said well not really.... (he cut it once a couple years ago and is NOT good at it!!!!!)

i said ok... then i will. everyone kinda laughed like they didnt know if i was serious. so i said one way or another its getting cut tonight. so he did it. never asked any questions but "how short"
they all love my hair and wanted me to try to keep it.. in fact that is a common statement, and youve got such nice hair. well guess what, one less thing to wory about....
one of those petty things thats been bugging me if i keep it long its gonna kill to get a brush through it........ and i dunno how itll look what they shave ect. so oops
i dont really regret it though. just kinda shocked. its easter this weekend.... maybe we can talk then. he cant help if he dosnt know but i dont want to expect too much form him and feel worse after.

i dont know i just feel lost. everything is kinda on hold,

i do have to say thanks to all of you who reply... it really helps.. i feel alone and yet u are all here to help and it really does help... thanks

i know im tough and i do know ill get through it im just frustrated and sick and tired of being sick and tired.
all the best..... nikki

[snapdragon]

((((((Nikki)))))) to you sweetie , I know how you feel , I have been there too sick and tired of being sick and tired . I wish I had some words that would make things better for you ,but I have nothing that the others have not already told you . Only that I know and I care . try to take it one day at a time sweetie ,when you are under so much stress sometimes it is the best thing you can do for your self ,and know that we are here for you . (((HUGS))) Snap

[Kitty]

:o well here we go i think iv lost my marbles! guess what i did last night. i cut my hair. it was to my waist and now rests on my shoulders. its all still one length... but 14-16 inches shorter. i dont know what i was thinking?????? i know im stressed but holly cow. i didnt talk to my man last night, he had a long hard day at work so i just left it. i didnt really do dinner last night, just grilled cheese...... i was in such a screwed up mood the kids were goofing around and he was going on about something about work so i slapped my hand down on the table and blurted out u wanna chop my hair? well everyone stopped dead and looked at me like i had 3 heads.

nikki

Actually, this could be a good thing!! :eek: I have always had really long hair, except for the occasional period in my life when I got "sick-up and fed" and chopped it off. When I had my rupture and clipping surgery, I had waist-long hair. I had a terrible time getting all the tangles out of it, washing all of it after, etc. Before the second surgery, I had it cut to about the length I imagine yours is now, and it was MUCH EASIER!!

And you know, it grows!!;) Hang in there, one breath at a time.

More HUGS and prayers headed your way.

Kitty

[jordal]

hey guys thanx again for the replies. i actually like the hair, it so much easier already. i slept all day yesterday.... til 630pm wow i told my family to let me sleep til i woke up, put my ear plugs in and wow feel better!

i tried to talk to jamie last night... started off small, letting him know some stuff thats going on ( not with me but the kids and the household easter ect) and after about 2 min of me talking he looked at me and said what are you going on about? ha he wasnt even listening. i was so mad and upset we were in bed and i just said nothing didnt say good night or anything, i rolled over cried for a min and went to sleep. he was gone before i woke up this morning and its now after 4 wtf??? i feel like i p*sed him off but how i dont know..... i was all ready to have a heart to heart and got the door closed in my face. plus his apt was for 10 am ??? i know he was meeting with his mom but hello no phone call? and now im at easter dinner at my parents and dont even know if hes gonna be here GGGGRRRRRRR wtf i dont get it. the worst part is right now i need him........... i dunno.... i frustrated and upset.... y he is being like this is beyond me, i baby him and give him everything he needs......... but again what about me??? deep breath, happy face after all easter is here... and so are my kids... oblivious to it all.... nikki

[FireflyR7]

;) How are you hangin in there hun?? :D I am glad you like your hair!! Have you heard anything from the Dr.?? How are you feeling??

:( I am so sorry you are having the communication problems with your hubby!! This is very hard on the family too!! Maybe you should write your hubby a letter, he is dealing with this in his own way. (Most men keep it all bottled up??) I have written my hubby several letters throughout this last 2 years, mostly thanking him for taking such good care of me! But, they can't understand what we are really going through! One day I just decided to explain everything I was feeling physically and mentally in a letter and it really helped him to see my side more! :o This is very hard for everyone!
We are here to help you with the things that others can't understand!! We have been there and know!! ;) I know you are stressed and overwhelmed right now!! ;) We are all praying for you!! You have to hold on to your faith, pray about your problems! ;) God is there if you ask him, I didn't realize that until after my surgeries!! But, he is there and I have no doubts now!! :D I wish there was something I could do to take this all away for you! But, we are all here for you sweetie! You can vent, or talk to us about anything!! :p I hope you get a date soon!! You are in my prayers, hang in there sweetie! Keep us posted!! Love Tricia

[Chris B]

Nikki, sending you my thoughts and prayers. This aneurysm thing has really derailed my life too, no more singing, can hardly sleep due the the pulsing, managing to stay at work with headaches and all the machinery on the other side of that door which is always left open, I have to get up and shut it, like some sort of whimp. Our income has gone down, my energy/strength is sorely drained. And I feel like I have no choice but to keep on putting one foot in front of the other and pay the bills. My hubby says, come on let's go see this or that band, or come and jam with me at a friend's house, but I can barely stand the noise of car when the engine is running. I dont' care if it's an ICA aneurysm, it's still has really screwed up my life. Hubby thinks every time he says something I don't like, I cringe..as if I'm just "doing it". He has a super loud voice from working in a noisy environment and I have to keep him on the right hand side of me or it hurts. The whole thing is driving me nuts and I certainly have been having more sharp shooting pains in my eye and pounding in my ear as these months have gone by waiting for an appt for procedure. I can relate to how you're feeling very very much.

xoxo Thoughts and prayers
Chris B

[jordal]

hey guys sorry so much for all the venting iv been doing... i should be posting on the emotional support forum i know, but it really helps to hear from people who can relate, who have the same bomb, difused or not.

it kinda lets me know im not totallt insane.

trish, thanks for the thoughts, and i think i will take the letter advice..... hope he reads it ha ha i guess he better!!!!

chris...... i have ica annnie too, i get pounding in my head (ears) very often, it seems worse at times then others, but i do get a break form it sometimes.... it really intencifies the background headache and if iv got a whopper its much worse......

my man seems more annoied with this thing now that its dragging on so long.... its like he cant understand the constant of the issue... he tries not to think about it and i cant stop. if im too tired or head hurts too much i am still expected to smile and do everything.... again... the only times they notice what i do is if i dont.

my mom is worried that im gonna try to do too much after the surgery..... im really gonna try not to. but again where will they be if im not taking care of them???? i guess they will get a taste of reality eh? especially him..... i love him dearly... have no intentions of getting rid of him.... but i wish i could figure out how to show him how i feel.... you know a day in the life of me......


well guys again i logged on feeling crappy...... and leave feeling better.... THANX ((HUGS)) nik

[Chris B]

Hang in there!! It's terribly rough I know...........my relationship may not last, not just because of the annie but more........I may be moved by the time I go for surgery in the summer, no date yet, but pencilled in for June 28 or first Thurs in July.........my anxiety level is very high, which makes my head pound more. ugh!