Been a long time

[moonstar]

hello welcome back...still in so much pain and misery...have had RSD for over 13 years now...with no relief..lost my precious brother David almost a year ago and the depression isn't getting any better..Tried meds,therapy,and still am but i am losing my mind...after the loss of David I really have no reason to get up and to try everyday...he was a very special boy..who i will miss everyday for the rest of this so called life..i wish i had the guts and the courage to have died with him..He was mentally retarded with many,many medical problems..i am not sure if he is still searching for me..wondering why i left him...we were as one since the day he was adopted by my parents(at 6 months old) the drs said he would not live to see his first b-day and they were so amazed that he lived till 24..he would still be here if not for complications after his surgery...They broke his hip and gave him phemonia in the hospital...I hate them all so much for taking my reason for living away from me...Oct.16 will be a year since I have seen his sparkling beautiful eyes and it seems like this morning..i relive his death everyday and it is killing me... I do have another adopted brother Terry who is autistic..But he doesn't need me the way David did...i do love hiom but it is not the same....David was my heart and soul and now I am glad he is out of pain but feel so selffish that i am not with him...Did he know where to go ??? Is he waiting for me??? I want and need him so much...The drs say it will take time...But i don't believe that any amount of time can bring my hearrt and soul back to me.... I just received the letter to pick up his ashes(i donated his body to science) and am or should be grateful to bring him home...But i am so sad and depressed...Will I obsess over the ashes like i do over the pictures and teddy bear i sleep with at night plus the candles I light for him...Will my nightmares of having him die in my arms everynight ever end??

[Joselita]

Moonstar,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine how it would be to loose a brother. I have 2 brothers, one full blooded that I grew up with, and one half blooded that I didn't really get to know very well until he was much older. I love them both very much, and wouldn't want to have anything happen to either one of them. I do know, though, that I am much closer to Greg (Full brother), simply because we grew up together. I worry about him all the time, because he has some very serious health problems. I don't know how I would handle it if I lost him, as you have lost your dear brother. You have my deepest sympathies.

I am worried about the tenor of your post here. You don't need me (or anyone else, for that matter) to tell you that you are severely depressed. Grief and depression are two separate things, and you are dealing with both. I am worried that the depression is taking over. What are your docs doing to help you through it? To help try to get the depression back under some kind of control? I know that you said that you have tried meds and therapy....I just became confused as to if you were meaning meds and therapy to help the RSD, or to try to help with your depression? I am sorry...my brain is very rusty these days.

I don't know what your beliefs are, or what you thin happens to us after we leave this life. I promise that I am not going to get all preachy, as I know that sometimes that is the last thing folks want to hear when they are feeling so badly. Sometimes not; everyone is different. But, I can tell from how your post reads that you are very worried about your brother still. Like I said, I don't know what you believe...but I can tell you what I do. I think that your brother is now looking out for YOU. As you said yourself, he is not suffering or in any kind of pain anymore. He isn't upset with you, and he isn't lost and waiting for you to join him to help show him the way. Sweetie...he KNOWS the way now. In fact, he probably wants to try to help you find yours. He most certainly doesn't want you to do anything to yourself, and is VERY glad that you DID NOT "have the guts" to die with him. In fact, I would wager that he is glad that you "Had the Guts" to stay here and LIVE.

That leaves the hard part up to you, which is to figure out how to do that. How to "Live" and not just allow yourself to become an empty, miserable shell.

The depression is causing you the stress, and it is feeding off of your grief. Depression is an awful, awful thing. A mortal enemy..at least to me. It causes us to do nothing but "negative self talk" and to distort how we look at EVERYTHING, in the worst possible ways. Somewhere, I read that it is anger turned inward. I agree with that, but I also think that it is more than that too. Whatever it is, it warps how we see life, ourselves, and everything (and everyone) around us in the worst possible ways. It is something to fight against, not to give into. Giving in, is the easy thing....and the most horribly wrong thing to do.

David wouldn't want you to do that, would he? Wouldn't he like for you to be the sister that you always have been to him? I believe he would. You obviously have a lot of empathy and caring and love to give. You don't want the rest of your family to suffer from the loss of losing you on top of your brother, and to have to deal with living life without that empathy and caring and LOVE that you have to give....that they need from you too.

I know that it is very hard to pull out of feeling like this. I have been in a serve depression too. I have also had to fight it while I was (and still am) grieving the loss of a loved one.

See...this Summer I lost my Grandpa. I also fell into a depression. I am still somewhat fighting it, to tell the truth. It hit me pretty hard. But, I realized that Grandpa wouldn't want me to feel so miserable. That he is in a better place, and that I have NOT lost him. He is still around, and he always will be. I can feel him there, if I allow myself to get quiet and still. I bet that you would be able to feel your brother around you too, watching out for you, and not leaving you alone, and just being there with you...if you could get yourself quiet and still. Right now, your mind is too loud and chaotic to be able to do that, mainly from the depression that keeps up that line of negative self talk continually running and running and running.

If you are so stressed out and depressed that you are having mini strokes? OMG! Why are the docs not having you in the hospital to treat this? You HAVE to try to get things back under some kind of control, and not have them spinning so wildly out of control as to cause yourself this much harm! If your docs aren't doing the job, or are just dismissing you, saying "You will feel better. This will pass with time" (talking about your depression and grief), then they ARE NOT listening to you. They are NOT doing their jobs at all.

Sweetie....it has been a year. You are still feeling THIS horribly about everything. Something is not right here. Yes...you will miss your brother. Yes, it DOES take time to get used to how things are now, and to deal with that loss and the realiatity of not having him here to touch and hold (because he IS around you...like I said, I truly believe that). But, you should be feeling somewhat better now.....not worse?

Please, please consider trying to get to another doc to help. You NEED someone to talk to...a Grief Counselor, that can help you. Don't let the money thing keep you from doing this. If money is a huge issue (and when is it not, when you have had RSD for as long as you and I have? I have had it for going on 10 years now...), looking in the phone book for Mental Health agencies that offer help for fees based upon your income or what you can pay. The IMPORTANT thing right now (as any GOOD counselor should tell you, and realize) is for you to get the help you need.

Please, will you try to do this? I am worried. I mean, Look? You brought me out of "Lukerdom" with your post here. To make my first post back here since the Crash, infact. That is how worried I am, and how important YOU are.

I am going to end this here, as I will just start repeating my self over and over, and that will serve no good purpose. Please do try to find a Grief Counselor, or some other type that will actually LISTEN to you and help you, instead of just letting you suffer like you are and have been for the past year. This is not right, and I am sorry you are going through this. I am so, so sorry.

Please...keep posting, Ok? This site is very slow now, and has been since the crash. Please don't let that make you think that No One Cares (depression LOVES to make us think that!) If you don't get many replies here. You might try posting at the new site, too. There are lot more folks over on the RSD board there these days than there are here. Just thought that I would let you know that, as I don't want you to feel any worse. I DO know how depression does that to us, and uses ANYTHING it can to keep making us feel so completely and totally awful. You aren't alone, and there ARE folks that care. NEVER forget that. Ok?

Take Care, Sweetie.

((Hugs))
Jose

[moonstar]

Your words do help..I know I am not alone with my depression..There are others who are in pain also...It is just so hard to accept all that I am going thru...My therapist says that I try to do so much for others and feel guilty about taking care of myself..I have always been taking care of somebody else that is what I do!! If I don't and let somebody down and something happens I can never forgive myself..The therapist says that this is where I have to start my hard work...Taking care of myself...Learning how to put myself first...I have been on many different medicatons for the depression and for all the pain..Not much seems to work for me.. I wish I could just shut my brain off for awhile but it doesn't happen..I wish I could feel David and my mother's presence(she passed away 13 yrs ago, just before Christmas, and David was born on Christmas Day)
The drs ran every test on me for the strokes and all have come back fine.. So that I guess is good news..Except there seems to be no end.. I feel like I failed David...I was always there for him and this time I let him down by depending on the hospital staff to care for him for such a short time and they broke and hurt him so badly that I lost him..
Thank you so much for your support..I haven't given up yet and I do promise to try not to stay in this dark place I am in for long...Some days are better than others....(hugs right back to you) Linda

[HopeLivesHere]

Hi, I remember you well. Josilita said it so perfectly, just what I would have written so I'm not going to be repetitive.
I am a nurse and cared for others too. It was my life. I recently lost my mother who I loved so much, we were best friends but she was suffering so much I whispered to her, "It is ok to go mom." The suffering stopped, she is in a better place with no more pain. I live on in her memory, as she would want me to do. To have wanted her to remain alive in pain and lonliness would have been selfish on my part. Life is not about me. I only wish I could help others more than I do, that is what she would have wanted. So I live in hopes that someday I will be of some use again in this world. If that never happens then I know I wlll be in the next world. David is no longer in pain or suffering. Like jose said, he is waiting for you in a better place, but your time here is not to be determined by you. I will tell you what "I" think and that is the best way to stop this is to stop focusing on you and help other people. Of course you can't do this until you have healed but you may not heal until you do this either??? This may sound harsh but I say it because I love you and my heart aches for you. I had no intention of ever signing into this forum. I did so, because I wanted to respond to you. You are a very important person in this world and wasting your talents. I would love to see you find a passion, something you really love & are able to do. My heart was in New Orleans but my body couldn't make it. There are so many people out there who need us/ I'd love to rock an orphaned baby or read to an elderly person in a nursing home. I can't do any of these things with my arms.
I hope I didn't sign on here for nothing, that maybe one thing Josie or I said will encourage you to rethink your life. We are what we think, so by changing your thinking you will change your life. That is if you think positively.
I will send positive thoughts your way and say a prayer for you......
Hope.

[moonstar]

Yes I Want To Still Have Hope... I Am Struggling Everyday..if I Didn't Have So Much Pain Also It Might Be Easier..but The Combination Of Both Grief And Intense Pain Is Overwhelming..i Have A Hard Time Using My Arms Anymore And Concentration Is Iffy And Headaches Intense...i Do Still Help Others With Their Problems..my Phone Doesn't Stop Ringing At Times...giving Good Advise Is The Easy Part--applying It To Myself Is What I Need To Learn To Do..thanks For Your Prayers..i Need All I Can Get...