Do you have a living will? Do you plan to get one?

[GardeniaGirl]

I've been thinking about living wills these past couple of years.

I am not that old yet (37), but with all my health problems, I have no idea when or what type of serious health crisis I could face in the future.

Given that I have been dealing with doctors, medications, tests, procedures, etc, for over 10 years now, the thought of enduring more of this after a major health problem seems horrible to me.

I am already fairly certain that if I get cancer, I will not pursue treatment.

I am already on very low dose of a chemotherapy drug (methotrexate) and it is so toxic and horrible on my body, I can't imagine what therapeutic doses of this stuff for cancer would be like.

I plan to get a living will written some time this year.

A friend of mine's brother had a totally unexpected aneurysm and was on life support for 3 weeks. She said that the only way her family knew what to do was because he had a living will written.

Do any of you have one? do you plan to get one?

[Nathan]

Gardenia Girl,

Your post hit home for me, because I have been thinking about this issue for several years now. I have gone to the hospital several times for different problems and have had some close calls. Everytime I go to the hospital, they ask me about a living will, and while I know I need one, I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. I will get one, I'm just not sure when. Hopefully soon.

Nathan

[Bobbi]

I have one...

Most of my more senior relatives tended to "bite" it fairly young: In their late 30s and early 40s.

I've not worked as hard as I have for the "state" to inherit my assets.

Problem for me is, making sure I am realistic. I mean, I've had some relatives do "predictions" by what age I'll die. I ain't gonna feed into that, but... the "state" sure isn't going to garner my assets.

For me... well, thank goodness for level-headed doctors whom also help me retain perspective and not dwell (on sadness and trauma and what might be).

Everything within reason and rational thinking has its place :). It's not morbid to think and plan - but the caveat is, as long as it's does not entail making that central to "being" and living.

[Mark N]

GardeniaGirl, yes I have had aliving will for many years. Like you I am not going to pursue treatment for a fatal disease unless it issomething that can be easily treated and has good results. I am not sure how well my body could take rough treatment anyway with the abuse it has already gone through. Now my kids might get me to change my idea if it ever happens but I don't think I will change. I don't hink about it unless it comes up with someone else. For exmple my brother is being treated for lung cancer and it made mw think about this so that is when I decided not to pursue treatment for something like that if it come up for me.

[Kathi49]

I should do this.

And Bobbi, I like what you said and agree!

Gardenia Girl,

Your 4th paragraph....I feel the same way.

[BrokenBladder]

I still need to do this.

This last trip into the hospital made me think very hard and like most of you I need a living will and I will NOT pursue serious medical treatment.

Mark I would like to think my boys wouldn't try to change my mind, but they would be the only ones who could.

Bobbi, I like the way you stated that, it's really best for all of us.

Kathi, maybe we should do it together!!

Mark, I'm sorry about your brother.

GG, this was a great thread to bring up as we all need to think seriously about it.

[painiac]

I finally have everything in order..........living will, durable power of attorney, DNR, will and arrangements to donate my body to a nearby teaching hospital upon death. My family is dealing with end of life with my father. It isn't a swift matter in his case. I am soooo glad he nailed down every little detail so he could be assured that his every wish would be honored.

[Pharmacist.steve]

look at www.nolo.com there is a program by Quicken WILL MAKER that gives you the ability to write a Advanced Health Care Directive & Power of Attorney.. you really need both to cover all the bases .. the program is < $50.. I have used it and the paperwork has passed legal dept of two major brokerages and a major bank.

[suede]

Steve is right you really do need to have at least both so as there not to be any problems .
I have both living will and power of attorney, though I don't have a will but I don't really have much materialistically most of what I have is in life ins. policy which is the way I wanted it, I know a will can be contested but you can leave ins. money to whomever you want and nobody can fight it...
I have a hard time trying to explain anything right now, my meds have me a real mess, I want to say however that i did learn that you have to be careful with living wills as you could go in the hospital for one thing and but something else be the cause of your being put on life support and the will can be contested, you need to be clear that NO MATTER what the cause you do NOY wish to be keep alive through artificial means..
Linda

[Kira]

I have a Living Will and a Healthcare Power of Attorney. It is important for me because I have several hospitalizations for life-threatening illness each year. My family has similar thoughts to mine on most of the issues, but we differ on some points, so it is important for me to make sure that MY wishes are in writing and clear, rather than to depend on them to make the right choices (and not fight with each other over them). My mom is my Healthcare Power of Attorney, and it would default to her and my dad right now anyway if I didn't have one appointed, but I didn't want to make her and my dad have to fight over things, especially since I have an evil stepmother who would have to get her 2 cents in (and my dad just listens to her b/c she is a nurse, even though she and I couldn't be more different in terms of some of our most important core beliefs in terms of how to take care of our bodies and how to take care of patients)...

There is a document called "5 Wishes." It goes through your preferences for when you die in plain English, and can be used as a Living Will in many states. It is available on the web, but I think you may have to order a copy.

Also, if you google your state and "Advance Directives," "Living Will," or "Power of Attorney," many states have their forms available online and you can just print them out. Then sign it, have a witness or two sign it, possibly get it notarized (if necessary), and give it to your family, your doctors, and the hospital you use most. Don't put it in the safe deposit box or no one will be able to get to it when it is needed.

[Matuboo]

I haven't really thought about it much, not having a wife or kids, it's just me. I should probably get something together although I think it would be a foregone conclusion that my assets would automatically go to my immediate family. Since my father is well off (my parents are divorced) and my mother is not, I would most likely leave the majority of what I have to her. I'll check out Steve's link. Heck, my brother has one and he's younger than me.

[A.K.]

I have the whole package. I'm 45 and have had this done for a few years now; Will, Living Will and Power of Attorney. I also have my plot purchased, casket, songs, pallbearers, preacher and a few other details picked out.

I went ahead and did all this because I don't have any children and I don't want my husband and my parents or sisters to be in any conflict about what I would have wanted. I also don't want any more stress on them than necessary if I go first. It feels great having it all done.

I have also verbally told every single member of my family that my Living Will states DNR! I have threatened to get DNR tattooed on my chest just in case! Please, oh please let me go I have an appointment in a much better place, thank you!

[Kira]

I think that a few people are confusing a Living Will with the kind of will where you deal with who gets your assets. A Living Will doesn't talk about financial matters or who gets your stuff after you die; that is a plain old will. A Living Will talks about your wishes for medical care (ventilators, feeding tubes, etc) if you become unable to make those decisions for yourself. A Healthcare Power of Attorney specifies who you want to make medical decisions for you if you become unable to make those decisions for yourself. You can also appoint a Power of Attorney to make decisions about financial matters for you, but that is different.

Some states have separate Living Wills for psychiatric treatment that let you specify if you would be willing to take psychiatric medications (and which ones you would NOT be willing to take, if any), if you would be willing to undergo ECT, which hospital you would prefer if you need to be admitted, which psychiatrist(s) you would like to be involved in decisions about your treatment, who you would like to be in charge of making decisions for you while you are unable, etc.

The nice thing about the "5 Wishes" document I was talking about is that it asks the questions in plain English rather than in medical or legal language.

[Kira]

AK,

If you are worried about the DNR stuff, a good step to take is to make sure that not only your family members know about it, but also that the doctors who treat you know it, and that it is in your chart at the hospital you use most. That way it will be much more accessible to the doctors treating you, right when they need that information. I wonder if you could put it on one of those medical alert bracelets, too, so they would know to look for the documents?

[Matuboo]

I think that a few people are confusing a Living Will with the kind of will where you deal with who gets your assets. A Living Will doesn't talk about financial matters or who gets your stuff after you die; that is a plain old will. A Living Will talks about your wishes for medical care (ventilators, feeding tubes, etc) if you become unable to make those decisions for yourself. A Healthcare Power of Attorney specifies who you want to make medical decisions for you if you become unable to make those decisions for yourself. You can also appoint a Power of Attorney to make decisions about financial matters for you, but that is different.

Some states have separate Living Wills for psychiatric treatment that let you specify if you would be willing to take psychiatric medications (and which ones you would NOT be willing to take, if any), if you would be willing to undergo ECT, which hospital you would prefer if you need to be admitted, which psychiatrist(s) you would like to be involved in decisions about your treatment, who you would like to be in charge of making decisions for you while you are unable, etc.

The nice thing about the "5 Wishes" document I was talking about is that it asks the questions in plain English rather than in medical or legal language.



Got ya. Like I said, I never really considered it, alas, the ignorance! Thanks for the clarification. The same question they ask you every time you go into the ER.

[Scar Tissue]

When I went in for spinal surgery, I wrote a long letter on the computer for everyone in my life to read if something went wrong. I also gave my wife Durable Power of Attorney in case she needed to handle affairs. I'm going to be taking my Father for his Will soon and since this has been brought up, I think I will have one done. Thanks for a great thought starter!! Being in the conditions we are in, it seems to me it's something we should all have!;)

[GardeniaGirl]

I think one of my biggest problems at this point is I don't know who would be my medical power of attorney. My father is still alive and in relatively good health (age 69), but I am guessing I will out live him.

I am not in contact with my mother through choice (she was very abusive to me when I was growing up).

My two brothers are becoming estranged from me as the years go on. I haven't spoken to one of them in almost 2 years, and the other in over a year. One lives 3,000 miles away and the other 1,000. Neither has shown any care, concern, or interest about my health. In fact, they have both shown overt hostility toward me instead.

I think I have read that the state will appoint someone if you are incapacitated and have no one named.

I guess I figure if I have a living will, then this would be OK.

I have two or three close friends, but two are older than me, so again, no guarantee they would be around at that point.

[ErinENj]

For me, for a living will, I don't know. I have discussed some of this with my mom and I think she understands what I would want. I think that if there's a hope for me to wake up or come back, I would like all steps to be taken to keep me alive. But if it's completely hopeless and I'd just be some horrid veggie in a hospital that's just a burden and there's no way that if I did come out of it that I'd even know who anyone is or if I'd just be a drooling mess for the rest of my life, I'd say let me go. I think my biggest determining factor is the hope of me coming back in some form of normal. Something like a 25% chance or better, yeah, they better take all necessary measures to keep me alive until I come out of it. But if the chance is in the single digits, no way. Just let me rest in peace and be with my grandfathers and other family who've gone before me. I don't know. It's a hard thing to say. I don't think I'd know how to put it all in paper to cover every eventuality. But I especially wouldn't want my family to turn into that family down in Florida I think where her husband wanted to pull the plug so he could get remarried, and my parents who want to keep me alive in the hopes that they could have their daughter back. So there's a good reason to make one, but I'm not sure if I need one.

What are the guidelines? Should I get one because my health is abnormal for my age? Or should I just make clear to my parents exactly what I want? Does it need to be official, or could I just type something up and sign it, or even go so far to get a notary to do their magic and have all members of my immediate family sign it? What's an official living will? Sorry for the questions. Whenever I ask my mom, she just says that I don't and won't need one anytime soon. Is that just my mom not wanting to remember that I'm mortal, or is she right?

And, as long as we're talking about wills...

What age or situation should make someone get a regular will?? I've never really asked when I should get one. I'm only 25, and have more debt than money to my name ($1500 in credit card bills+ 0 income= lots o' debt for someone and that's just my credit card...no idea who though), so I don't really know if I need them. My car lease was co-signed with my mom, so that debt would be left to her too, and everything else is just my name on it so I guess that debt would just go away. I know, I'm almost definately wrong on that but it's a nice thought. I really doubt that selling all of my worldly possessions would get much more than $5-$10. ;) hehe! Who would gain responsibility over my 'estate?' Would it go to my parents? Or would it have to go to my older brother? (That's a scary thought! He'd sell it all off and keep the 5 bucks!) I never really thought I needed a living will simply because I don't have any major possessions, like a house, mortgage, owned car, things like that. The most major of my possessions is my select comfort bed.

I'm sure my mom would be the one to take ownership of my stuff and do whatever is right with it. I'd think she would know who should get what and what would mean something to who. Or she'd just leave my room alone and keep it as a shrine. I highly doubt that. I'd be okay as long as she doesn't 'less is more' my room after I'm gone! ('Less is more' is a house selling term. Basically, get rid of everything possible because the less you have in a room, the better. But, as the stager said when she was here last weekend, there's a good balance. You don't want a room to look bare, but you don't want it to look as cluttered as my room. I'm a pack rat and have issues with change. But I'm okay with it. )

What do you think? How young should someone think about getting a will? Should I get one simply because my health is so unusual for someone my age? What are the guidelines? Should it just be if you have some major type piece of property? How hard is it to make one?

[Kira]

What are the guidelines? Should I get one because my health is abnormal for my age? Or should I just make clear to my parents exactly what I want? Does it need to be official, or could I just type something up and sign it, or even go so far to get a notary to do their magic and have all members of my immediate family sign it? What's an official living will? Sorry for the questions. Whenever I ask my mom, she just says that I don't and won't need one anytime soon. Is that just my mom not wanting to remember that I'm mortal, or is she right?

I think it wouldn't hurt to do it. How many signatures you need and whatnot depends on the state, I think. Google "New Jersey" and "Living Will" and there should be some standard form to fill out. Wisconsin and Illinois have them online, anyway. In both of those states they are a couple of pages long. In Wisconsin and Illinois, you have to sign it in front of two witnesses and get them both to sign, too. Like I said above, you could also google "Five Wishes" and see if NJ is one of the states listed where 5 Wishes is legally binding. It is a document that asks questions similar to a living will but in plain English, and can be used in place of a living will in many states.

I don't know if it would work to have it written and signed but NOT on a form. I would just look up the forms and print them out.

I think your mom probably doesn't want to entertain the thought that something that serious could happen to you. Also, most people don't realize that even young, totally healthy people really should have their intentions written out clearly if possible. Think of how much potential conflict you could avoid for family members if they had something written from you to guide their decisions.

I don't think you are too young to do it. I'm 28 and my stuff has been filled out since I was 26.

Get the forms for New Jersey, fill them out, and give copies to your doctors, the hospital you use, and your family. Don't lock them up somewhere that your family doesn't have access to, or they will be useless if you are incapacitated.

[Kira]

Five Wishes:

http://www.agingwithdignity.org/5wishes.html

New Jersey Advance Directives (instructions, forms, etc):

http://www.state.nj.us/health/ltc/advance_directives.pdf

[painiac]

The state I reside in does not recognize Five Wishes as a primary living will but accepts it as an adendum which spells out the details of how you want the living will implimented. My primary and pain docs have copies of my DNR in my charts. Copies have also been sent to the local ambulance service and two regional hospitals. The bottom line is that you don't want anyone initiating treatment that will be difficult to discontinue. Everyone's situation differs according to age, medical condition and value system.

[krashleen]

After going through my Dad's illness (Alzheimers) where he couldn't tell me where and how much it hurt, I worried constantly about different tests, hospital admissions and whether a test would hurt and how to treat a disease based on his living will. He had a DNR in place.

Based on his living will, I adjusted mine to include some things that his did not. I will update as my condition changes, medical advances, and who I feel is the most responsible.

[Bobbi]

Thanks, Kira. I did confuse living will with Last Will and matters of probate:

In my state (California), a "living will" is called an "Advance Health Care Directive." If I move from the state where mine would have effect, it would have to be re-done. Basically, what has effect in one state might not in another. That's something for people to consider if one relocates out-of-state.

I don't have a DNR or any withhold treatment order. That's just a personal choice... I have a Last Will :).

[jena1225]

I am sorry if this was answered here already, but I am too lazy to read all 20 posts!

Isn't the Living Will what you sign when you are in the hospital? If so, is it only valid while under there care at that time?

[krashleen]

I *think* so.
I have done both, but they usually ask you in the hospital if you have a "directive" or a living will.

I have one in place now, which I did prior to my brain surgery last year, now to get a will done. Not that I have a heck of a lot, but what I have I don't want others fighting over.