How Do You Handle Things When The Friends Disappear?

[Scar Tissue]

This has probably been posted before, I'm new at this site and don't want to bore you folks with a subject that may have already been addressed, but with Spring in the air here where I live I'm feeling pretty low. I understand the "bar buddies", "good time friends" not being around, that's a given what I'd like to address is the friend that you thought would be with you through thick and thin. The one that's supposed to be walking in the door when the others are walking out. I have one friend that's been with me since the third grade. We were inseparables, our kids grew up together, we've spent vacations together, put around 5-8,000 miles a year on our motorcycles with our wives in tow, hunted together, and the list goes on. I have spoke in length with him about my pain, he understands that I need to get out and need his help and companionship, and he never shows. At first he would at least call a couple times a week and stop by maybe every 2-3 months for about a half hour, now unless he needs something I don't hear from him.

Now please understand, I don't constantly hound him about taking me places or doing things with me, and have never asked him to do anything outside around the house, borrow money, or anything of this nature. All I've ever asked of him is to stop by, maybe we could go out to breakfast once in a while, go to our local hunting club which is 1/4 mile from my home for a couple of hours, just generally hang out. I can't get that from him. I'm not whining here, I'm just very confused. I stay upbeat around people, I don't ***** and moan about my condition, I just try to act as normal as possible. Any suggestions on how I can get this dear friend to understand? Or do you feel it's as my 26yr. old son has said, Maybe I valued our friendship more than he did? Any replies or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!! Thanks!!;)

[Mark N]

Scar, I have had a different life as my father was in themilitary as I was growing up and I went into the Marines when I got out of high school so my experience with friends has more to do with just the ones in my adult life. I think what happens is that many of our 'friends' are just that because of common interest and that we get along. Once our condition stops us from doing the things we did together we lose the common interest. It is also difficult for others to see us because it is a reality they don't want to think about. Many people are afraid they will have a debilitating disease some day and we are a reminder that it could happen to them.

Now with saying all of that, I agree with your son. We value friendships more than some of our friends value our friendship. This is a difficult adjustment once we become disabled. The best we can do is to call and stay in contact with our friends doing as much as we can with them.

There is one last effort you can make. Call your friend and ask him why he doesn't stop by. It maybe something that is easily changed,something you don't realize you are doing, or something you can't do anything about. Sorry you are dealing with this lose along with all the other loses we face. It is common for those of us that are virtually homebound.

[Kathi49]

I agree with Mark.

I just know that if my best friend quit calling or coming around, I would definitely call her up and ask her what was wrong. I mean with your best friend(s) you should be able to open up about anything. But, maybe for guys it is harder. I know that for my husband, he had a very, very close friend...went through the military together, etc. But somehow they lost common interest or something...I don't really know as there were no fights or anything. And they even work in the same building still. So, I have repeatedly asked him to give this guy a call and get together over a few beers or something. But my husband always says...the phone calls can go both ways. So, maybe my husband is just plain stubborn. I am NOT saying you are...I am just saying it might be harder for guys to come right out and address any problems or issues.

I hate to hear you are going through this too. But it is possible that your friend just got busy or tied up with other things. But, one thing about it, I would definitely call him up and maybe ease into what is bothering you and talk about it; especially since you have been friends for years.

[brians2000]

Hello Scar Tissue,

I am sorry you are going thru this problem. I think you should call your friend and ask if he would like to have dinner in the next week or so. Since I became disabled I have not seen as many of my old friends either but we do try to get togather every few months. About every two to three months a group of our friends go out to have dinner and catch up on the latest news. The past few years I have noticed our relationships are no longer as strong as they once were. I do think you should call and she if your friend is ok. You may find out your friend is not feeling up to par himself. I dont know if you fish or hunt much anymore but if you do you could invite your friend to the lake or river for a nice peaceful time togather. Since this guy is a true friend you should just ask him why he doesnt call or do things with you since you became sick. He may have not noticed you felt depressed about not hanging out togather. I am sure if you talk to him then both you and your friend will talk openly and come up with plans to get togather more. Hope everything gets better for you. Brian

[BrokenBladder]

Scar Tissue,
I'm sorry you're going through this grieving process. Your son may be right about the value of the relationship, but I agree with Kathi, you will never know until you come right out and ask.
I know that when I became disabled alot of my friends slowly faded away. I did have one good friend, like you, that I thought would always be there, but she started coming around less and less when I got sick. So I decided to talk about it with her so that I could find out if I had said or done something to cause it. That's when the truth came out. She finally broke down and told me that she didn't want to see me this way and it became easier and easier for her not to come around and then the guilt set in. Once the guilt set it she just couldn't bring herself to face me. We talked alot that day, cried alot that day, but in the end our friendship will never be what I always thought it was. Some people just can't handle seeing us in pain, even if we never ***** about it. They still know.
I hope this can find a way to work itself out for you. I know it was difficult for me to go through that grieving process.
Take Care,

[Scar Tissue]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I've tried talking to him in the past, and I get the promise that we will spend more time together, but it never happens. My pain is to the point that I can only get out once or twice a week, and only for a couple of hours. I think what some of you have said is right, maybe with us being so much alike I show him his own mortality when he's around me. Last year was tough, I lost a very dear friend that was Bi-Polar to suicide, and another dear friend and neighbor in a motorcycle accident. I guess I may as well face the fact that we aren't going to be the friends we once were, and move on. About 1 1/2yrs ago I told him we would end up phone buddies if he didn't come around more and he said no way. Well he was right, we're not even that anymore! Hey thanks for the support and if I decide to try to talk with him again I'll let all of you know!! Thanks Again!!:)

[GardeniaGirl]

This is a subject I could write a novel about.

I've had a couple of interesting experiences that have helped me to have more insight into what happens to friendships when one person develops a serious chronic illness or disability.

One is that I have continued to work among very healthy peers for the past 7 years while I have been extremely sick. (I don't work full time). After observing many co-workers over this time I have realized that healthy people generally prefer to share their happy experiences with others. They want to laugh, talk about their great weekend, their upcoming vacation, their new car, their new house, their new grandchild, their new favorite recipe.

In other words, people want to talk about things that make them feel good and they want to share this with others - a lot of the time.

Its made me realize that I've lost a lot of those happy things in life and I've also experienced way more negatives than many people in my age group.

On a subtle level, I think people pick up on this type of change in those of us with CP, etc. Even if we make a point of not complaining, etc. It comes across, and I think for a lot of people, they really want their batteries re-charged and energized with their friends.

Another experience was that I was in a small support group/meditation group for almost two years with about 3-5 other women who also had long-term chronic illness issues.

What I came to find, after spending a couple of years really getting to know these women, developing a very close friendship with them, doing activities together, etc, was that after a while, I got really burned out on the health stuff. Even if they weren't major whiners/complainers, it just got to be a drag to hear about how they couldn't to this, couldn't do that, couldn't go to this restaurant because of a dietary restriction, etc,

It kind of opened my eyes to being on "the other side" so to speak.

I think part of my feeling burned out with them had to do with other factors as well, but it got me wondering about how I came across to other people.

I also think that many friendships in adulthood end for complex reasons totally unrelated to CP. There is even a book about this called The Friend Who Got Away, I think.

People change as they move through life. And I think many friendships just cannot withstand all of the changes. Marriage, children, divorce, losing a job, all of these things affect friendships.

Sometimes something that seemed small will be enough to end a long friendship.

I was dropped cold by my oldest friend a few years ago and to this day, I don't know why. It coincided when she got married, so I think that had something to with it. I felt used afterwards because I tried so hard to be supportive to her during some hard times in her life, but she just wouldn't do the same for me. I also realized, later on, that she was a more selfish person by nature and that I had always been giving more than she had. But it really hurt. And I don't think I've ever been willing to trust a friend as deeply as I used to since that experience. It really was a kick in the stomach that I didn't see coming at all.

I think I have learned not to have as many expectations of friendships as I used to. I realize that most people are going to look out for themselves and their immediate family, when it comes down to it, and its better to accept this than to always fight against it.

I have a few close friends now, and a group of casual friends who I see at different activities, but not nearly on the scale of when I was healthy.

Its been one of the hardest parts of this for me, because I do not have any family to spend time with.

[Mark N]

GardeniaGirl, what a great response and an excellent explanation of friendships. It was a lesson I learned long ago since we moved often and even my close friends disappeared after we moved. Writing letters isn't the same as being around them every day.

I know it isn't easy being around those of us that can't do much. I have a couple of friends here that will see me and do things with me if I initiate the contact. There just aren't many people that can take the lead and go out of there way to be with you. My wife is that way [of course she blames me for losing her friends] she will not initiate contact and will only do things if they ask her to go with them. I have a cousin that laments that his high school buddies never contact him but he has never contacted me on his own and after initiating the calls I have decided to wait until he calls which he never will.

Take a look at the people on brain talk. If they have surgery or if their bodies heal on their own, we don't hear from them again or rarely. Their lives change and they have new things to do rather than be on the internet talking about the issues we deal with. I have learned to appreciate the friends I have and to gain enjoyment from thier company but knowing it is unlikely to last a long time. I have a couple of friends that stay in contact with me and I really value their friendship but as their lives change i hear from them less.

[Kathi49]

These are all excellent responses!

But at the same time very sad.

I am still in contact with my best friend (met when we were 15 years old). So, I am still able to get with her quite a bit. And I have remained close with my past co-workers. I think, and this is just me, I had to really, really try hard not to talk of my conditions unless I was specifically asked. And, yes, I wanted to talk about it all the time! Most times they were all interested. But there were a few times I could read their faces and know I was talking about it too much. Plus, even while in agony, I tried to really talk about their lives and what was happening with them. It was extremely difficult to do because all I really wanted to do was to STOP talking, take a med and lay down!

I am far from perfect and that's why I come here. Because the people here will listen, advise and can relate. So, I save up most of what I want to talk about and let all you good folks give me your opinions and thoughts.

I am just saying I almost had to teach myself to shut up about it and realize there were other things going on in THEIR lives that were just as important to them. And now when they call, and they do, and they want to have lunch or whatever, I either tell them okay, I am feeling alright today OR I just have to say no maybe another day. But they do stay in touch through phone calls and definitely email.

But again, that is just how I handled it. :)

[Diandra]

Hi Scar,
Obviously this is a lifelong friendship and something you are willing to work on. This is my gut feeling and I'm sorry for being blunt but, men are often not very good at understanding and then sharing their emotions and feelings so even if you ask him outright, he may not say(or perhaps not even be able to articulate how he feels.)

I suspect that either your friend is made uncomfortable by facing his own health or mortality issues by seeing the shape you are in or he is uncomfortable in the caretaker role. I don't know your situation but, if he needs to come get you and assist you physically in some way(perhaps put a wheelchair in a trunk or whatever) alot of folks are very uncomfortable with that yet, who would want to admit that. Who wants to say, hey man, I think you are great guy but this whole thing with your health makes me really uncomfortable....no one wants to be that much of heel.

My suggestion is, invite him over for meal or take him out for a meal(something casual like a breakfast) and don't ask anything of him. If you need to, ask someone else to drive you to the restaurant and help you. Do that for the next couple of times. Perhaps he will be more open to seeing you if he is not the "caretaker"....lots of guys(not all guys!) are not comfortable in that role. I know this may be asking you to bend over backwards to see this friend but, if you do care about him and want to get to the bottom of what is bugging him, and keep this friendship, it may be worth it.

Of course it hurts that this life long friend is not there through thick and thin as you would have expected. I know he should be understanding about your situation but, perhaps he really, really cares about you and seeing you in this way really hurts him. How many men could admit that?

Well, that is my two cents Scar...I may be way off base as I don't know the details of your life. I lost alot of friends when I became disabled and had to stop working. There are true blue friends who are still here though. Also, I have been around these forums for many years and I have forged some very important and lasting friendships with people I have met here because they understand what is going on. Welcome to these forums....I hope you make friends with many of us here. Consider me a new friend.

All my best,
Diandra

[Scar Tissue]

Wow Folks Thanks Alot. I'm so glad I found this site! The advice and information you have given me on this issue is golden, and I want to thank you all for your timely responses. I have a much better view on this subject now than i did a few days ago. It's just a shame, though, that it has to be this way. His son was found to have a hole in his heart between the two aortas a while ago and I took two days off of work to be at that hospital every moment for my friend and his family in case they needed me. His wife had surgery and my wife and I were there. I'm starting to think he's losing a pretty good friend and I'm losing just an average one! (LOL) Anyway, thanks again and I hope I can be 1/2 of the help you guys have been to me!!:)

[Mark N]

Scar, you are right about the comparative losses the two of you face. It is too bad that you and your wife have gone the extra mile, not because you had to but because you wanted to for your friends, and it isn't returned. One thing about our condition, you find true friends that you can count on.

[Joey54]

Such things happen to all of us when we grow older but when a mature friendship goes south, there is likely a reason.

Your 26 year old son makes a good point to ponder but I would not get upset about any reason and by the way your adult friends need no reason or explanation, it seems cold to say this but I feel we need not explain our actions to anyone, I would try but not everyone feels the same as I do.

Your friend could feel that you are weak if you take certain medications, they may not wish to be around someone who takes some medications or on the other hand they may wish for you to share and if you do not … you get the cold shoulder … there are many lifestyles and few things change us more than pain and age.

I was gone for 17 years and when I returned a lifelong female friend would come over and we would enjoy a dinner and a movie, it was not long before she began to call at the last minute with weak excuses.

We had never kept secrets, but she had a friend that was cooking meth weekly and she got caught up with many others in this world of self-deceit and did not want me to know.

The guy was arrested and sent to prison but was soon sent back to a nursing home where he died of cancer, my friend lost her teeth, lost weight and looks, aged 20 years and was soon in a nursing home with a lung infection and is dying.

This story has played out many times with other people I once knew, most drank but as divorce and other problems came up their Dr would prescribe sedatives, a few spoke to me about their new Ativan or Valium prescription and how it changed their life, in the end it destroyed their life as they would not give up the booze … their most likely cause for their life falling apart to start with.

Life is as unpredictable as the people we thought we knew, most of the old friends I did speak to ignored my warning about mixing meds and alcohol, I was no angel but I stopped drinking when I became sick and needed medications, hell we are going on 60 years of age.

Most people do not know what they are doing when they drink or begin to need medications as we grow older, fewer ever come to places like this to learn how to live with a disease and medications … alcohol does not mix with BP meds, I have a friend dying from high blood pressure and alcoholism and will not listen.

I refuse to be around intoxicated people and old friends will not come over when drinking, I make no excuses as I do not want to watch people who are drunk in my home, perhaps they are upset with me but I can go to town at will, they cannot.

I do not have answers but I know many have had the same experience, different name different situation same sad result.

Joey

[Scar Tissue]

Thanks for the reply Joey. I've never had a problem nor has my friend drug wise, and him thinking I'm weak doesn't fit his profile either. I think now it's a matter of guilt on his part for not being around, I used to call him once a week or so, and when I stopped calling he asked me why, and I told him I wasn't going to bother him, he must be busy, call me when you have time. Well that doesn't happen, so life goes on and the world keeps turning. I don't think either one of us are going to die over this, he chose his path, and I know in my heart I was a very good friend. I have no reason to feel guilt or shame, and maybe down the road things may change. Thanks again for the reply.:)

[Matuboo]

This has probably been posted before, I'm new at this site and don't want to bore you folks with a subject that may have already been addressed, but with Spring in the air here where I live I'm feeling pretty low. I understand the "bar buddies", "good time friends" not being around, that's a given what I'd like to address is the friend that you thought would be with you through thick and thin. The one that's supposed to be walking in the door when the others are walking out. I have one friend that's been with me since the third grade. We were inseparables, our kids grew up together, we've spent vacations together, put around 5-8,000 miles a year on our motorcycles with our wives in tow, hunted together, and the list goes on. I have spoke in length with him about my pain, he understands that I need to get out and need his help and companionship, and he never shows. At first he would at least call a couple times a week and stop by maybe every 2-3 months for about a half hour, now unless he needs something I don't hear from him.

Now please understand, I don't constantly hound him about taking me places or doing things with me, and have never asked him to do anything outside around the house, borrow money, or anything of this nature. All I've ever asked of him is to stop by, maybe we could go out to breakfast once in a while, go to our local hunting club which is 1/4 mile from my home for a couple of hours, just generally hang out. I can't get that from him. I'm not whining here, I'm just very confused. I stay upbeat around people, I don't ***** and moan about my condition, I just try to act as normal as possible. Any suggestions on how I can get this dear friend to understand? Or do you feel it's as my 26yr. old son has said, Maybe I valued our friendship more than he did? Any replies or suggestions would be greatly appreciated!! Thanks!!;)




I've had the same thing happen to me with several friends over the past few years. Like you, I didn't spend a lot of time discussing my health issues with them, although I was spending more and more time at home and not going out on the weekends like I used to. They simply stopped calling and returning my calls. I've also had some good online friends who I felt have used me, two completely different situations but the result is the same, depressing. I usually speak up when it comes to these situations, when it's probably better not to. There was one person in paticular I had really developed a bond with and one day, she simply stopped writing. I got an email (after I had expressed my feelings politely) that was rather crass and rude, stating that she just couldn't deal with other people's problems anymore. I found that totally ironic since I did most of the listening!


I think, when it comes right down to it, there are probably only going to be a few friends you can really count on, perhaps only one or two. Most of us have family and of course, we have this group where we don't have to explain or justify our health issues to anyone because people here are walking in our shoes.


I've had family problems as well as the result of my health issues, I think many of them have come to accept that I do have somatic issues rather than psychosomatic. My father being tough, stoic and a retired doctor who's seen it all, didn't have a lot of empathy for my health problems initially but he's come around quite a bit the last few months. Sometimes it just takes time I guess.


Don't know if my post was of any value to you but I just figured I'd share some personal experiences and let you know that you're not the only one and most importantly, that it's not your fault. There are people who will accept you for who you are, health issues and all, I think you'll find a lot of them right here.


M

[Quahog]

I personally don't have too many friends especially since moving to Maine 5 years ago. sure there's people I see from time to time but because I usually don't feel up to socializing or going out I don't see them much.

My best friend since I was 19 moved to Maine with me for awhile but i think he too grew tired of my health problems. He eventually found a someone and has plans to marry her. In fact she just had a baby.
Since his fiancée had the baby I no longer hear from him.

It's hard to meet people are go out and socialize with them when as Kathi said all you want to do is take a med and lay down.

[Matuboo]

I personally don't have too many friends especially since moving to Maine 5 years ago. sure there's people I see from time to time but because I usually don't feel up to socializing or going out I don't see them much.

My best friend since I was 19 moved to Maine with me for awhile but i think he too grew tired of my health problems. He eventually found a someone and has plans to marry her. In fact she just had a baby.
Since his fiancée had the baby I no longer hear from him.

It's hard to meet people are go out and socialize with them when as Kathi said all you want to do is take a med and lay down.



So true, I simply don't have the energy nor can I tolerate going out on the town and bar hopping. That was something I did a great deal of in my 20's. I never discuss my health problems or medication with anyone except my family, online friends and a few very close friends. Opioids have such a stigma attached to them, people who are not living in pain simply don't understand that it's a necessary *evil* I also moved from my home state to Kentucky about 8 years ago and it's something I've regretted ever since. Unfortunately, the job I have now is not something I can afford to give up.


I too have had some friends get married and just drift away, I guess that's somewhat understandable. Having never been married it's hard for me to pass judgement on someone who does have a wife and kids and simply doesn't have the time to socialize.


M

[Scar Tissue]

I guess this Hell we live in with Chronic Pain is going to be the controlling factor in our lives. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy. Every day is a battle to continue, to try to be as normal as we possibly can, and hope the next day's pain will allow us to do a little more. Thank God for my wife, kids and grandkids or I don't know what would become of me. I sure wouldn't want to fight this alone, and thanks for taking the time to read and respond to this thread. You folks are great, and I'm sure glad I found this site!!;)

[Mark N]

You are right about Cp being the controlling thing in our lives. Some don't want to let it control them and for years I could keep from having it control me. There comes a time for some of us though that it does control all aspects of our lives.
Scar you are lucky that you have such good support from your family. I know how much it means to me to have my kids support me and understand what is going on with this pain. This CP can isolate us and it is good to have family that keeps us connected with others. That way we don't have to deal with all the indignities by ourselves.

[Scar Tissue]

Very true Mark! My son Thank God has grown into a great young man, I'm very proud of him and all I have to do is call and he's here. My daughter is going to an all-girl 1000 student Private College in Pittsburgh, Pa. (only 35 miles away, so she commutes) has been on the Deans list and never gets below a B and I'm just as proud of her!! They are great kids that understand and help, and along with my Wifes help, they make me as comfortable as possible. So you see, things can always be better, but they sure can always be worse!! I hope everyone here finds the middle-ground and can live a somewhat normal life!!;)

[bluebirdy]

Scar - this is a really good topic and everyone has had great responses. I'm going through some difficulties right now with an old friend. Will you pray for me, and I will pray for you and your friend? hugs, bluebirdy

[Scar Tissue]

Bluebirdy, you have my prayers and thank you for yours. I hope things work out well for the both of us. It's hard enough with CP without having to feel like l leper when no one comes around. As I said before, thank God for my family or I don't know where I'd be!!:eek:

[bluebirdy]

thanks, Scar, I prayed for you and your friend last night :) bluebirdy