Need to vent!!!

[Tigger 76]

Hi all,

I am really frazzled right now and need to I normally vent. My 88 year old grandmother has Alzeimer's disease She was diagnosed in 1996 so this disease is nothing new to me but in the last 3 months she has gotton much worse in my opion. She is still living in an assisted living center with a lot of support and supervision but I do not thing that is going last much longer:(

I think what is the most upsetting now is the fact that she is starting to yell and say really nasty things to me. She is also starting through things. She has never done either one of those things in the past. It is very frustrating to see her at this point. It is also very sad:( I understand this is part of the disease process but it does not make it any easier to deal with this behavior. I love her very much but it seemed like every time I see her I have to get to know a completely different person. I try and see her at least every couple months or so. I wish I could see her more but she lives three hours away to me and I am also going to school full-time which makes it even harder.

My mom and her siblings are trying to find a nursing facility that fits her needs is but they have not made a decision yet. I know in my heart that it is time for her to move into a safer environment such as a nursing facility but that is also hard to deal with as well. I am sure that I learned to deal with the current situation but it is the take some time.

Thank you for letting me vent. I am feeling a little better. Do any as you have any suggestions on how to deal with these new behaviors? Is the a way to keep yourself from getting so frustrated and upset? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated

[Tootsie]

Hi Cindy,

Almost everyone who checks this site with any regularity, has had to face similar decisions, about the level of care, that their loved one needed, as their disease progressed. Your Mom and aunts, are wise to begin looking for an acceptable facility, before crisis requires an immediate choice.

There are some things that might make visits with your Gran a little easier. Try and remember, back to your childhood, and any of the little sayings, songs, word plays that you endulged in, at that time, with her. Talk to her about things in the past. Pictures or post cards of familiar places, events, celebrations might jog her memory. Does she have a favorite flower, food, snack? Take some with you. Music especially can provide some help, as it is processed in a different part of the brain than speech.

When she raises her voice, and seems combative or hostile, try and defuse the situation with humor, or, at least acknowledge that she is unhappy, upset, or not feeling well. Ask the staff if there have been any changes or things that have triggered this response.

Learn to lie. My mother used to fuss about not having the money to pay for the lunch she had just eaten. I'd simply say that I had already paid them; or, don't you remember? I have your check book and will take care of it. If accused of stealing clothing, tell her that it is in the wash, or at the cleaners, or being ironed, etc. Anything to assure her that all is well and being taken care of is valid response on your part. Cheerio.

[Tigger 76]

Hi,

Thank you for your response it helps to know there is someone else that has to deal with this kind of situation before. My mom deals with situation but does like to talk about how she feels about. We have serious(SP) commmunation issues in our family:)

I have learned to deal with most things she does with out a problem.Like when she takes my walker instead of her own :) I have my own neuro issues to deal with. (Cerebral Palsy) but these new behviors are going to take some time to get used to.

Do you post here often? There are a couple of other things I would like to ask you about but I do not have the time right now. I have homework I need to finish for tomarrows class. I try to visit this site at leased once a day. I normally post at child neuro or the CP fourm but I think I am going to start coming here more often. It really helps.

Thanks again

[Tootsie]

Hi Cindy,
I try to check this site once a day. However, lately it has been very slow. I think that when the entire site went down last summer, people found other sources of support and help. I do know that there is a lot more help now locally, than when I was caring for my mother twenty years ago.

Alzheimer's disease never helps any kind of family problem. If the family does not have good communication skills, A.D. just makes if all more apparent and painful. Frequently, there is one sibling, or designated person who seems to take responsibility, AND all the criticism about any decision or plan they make.

My sister had died years before, so I was the only one to take care of my Mom. It is mixed blessing. Even though husband and children were as supportive as anyone could ask, I was the one who made all the decisions. There was no one to share that task. Ask away. I'll help if I can...or just commiserate with you! Cheerio.

[Jo6]

I'm truely sorry you have a need to be here but that is what life throws us sometimes:) Vent away, what ever is bothering you. Tootsie is a great one. I have come to really care for her. She is one of the kindest people I have found here in BT. She has been a big help to me.

What she is saying about siblings is right on the mark. It isn't fair but it does seem to be the norm in this disease at least. I will be back later, but keep thinking about Tootsie's words. We'll talk again, Julia aka Jo

[Tigger 76]

Hi all,

I have been very busy with school these days so I have not been around much. My grandma did come to my house for a vist a couple of weeks ago the vist went better then I expected. We had a lot of cooking to do for the family fuction that we had to go to. I had her help me with some very simple cooking task she really enjoyed herself. Things like chopping veggies and pealing hard boild eggs. I had to help her stay on task but it was fun. I thinks she does not have enough stimulation in her daily life which is causing some of her problems. If she stays busy she does much better.

Thanks again for all of your advise.

[Tootsie]

Hi Cindy,
It sounds like you have enough knowledge to deal with your grandmother's limitations. All the cooking you did together, are the types of things most patients can deal with when they have been a homemaker most of their life. We ate a LOT of chicken soup when my mother lived with us. She could clean the meat off a chicken so well that even the buzzards couldn't get a decent meal off it! Cheerio.

[Jo6]

hi Cindy and tootsie. Good to "see" you both. Am happy you had such a nice time with your grandmother. Yes, cherish these times. they will surely change. As times goes on it is amazing how many "stages" they go through.

Everybody isn't alike. I have found it diffficult to put MIL in a stage. Last visit, less than a week she talked the whole time we were there, but you couldn't understand what she said. She doesn't look well and we see changes every time we go.

It's very sad. cindy I hope you have many ,more "good" times with your Grandmother. Take care of you too as well as your Mom.
take care, Julia

[Tigger 76]

Hi All,

I just wanted to say thanks again for all of your advice and support. I have two more weeks of school and then I am going to spend a week or so with my grandmother before my summer classes start. During this vist my Mom and Aunts and Uncles are going to make the final dicision about the nursing facility she is going to move into. I have a feeling the move to the nursing home is going to just as hard on me as it is going to be on my Grandmother. The places they were look at were nice,but I still think it will be hard. I have a hard time trusting people that I do not know with her care I guss I have to get to know the staff and I may feel a little better

Thanks again for letting me vent.

[Tootsie]

Hi Cindy,

Once your grandmother is in a facility, you need to make sure the staff knows when you visit. Talk with them, ask about your Gramma, if she's eating, is there anything she needs, etc. Once you become acquainted with the staff, you will feel better about leaving her there.

Whatever the complaints about nursing home care, the people who chose this type of work, generally LIKE old people. They try their best, and sometimes, leave much to be desired, simply because no one has taught them how to handle difficult situations.

One thing that makes laundry easier, assuming that your Mom or relatives will do her laundry, is to save shoe boxes, or something about that size. Label each one with PANTIES, SOCKS, UNDERSHIRTS, etc. Then put them on a shelf in her closet at the nursing home. Having things readily available, the staff can simply grab what they need. If they have to hunt through drawers or suitcases, they may just skip using the clothing, if in a hurry.

Also, do not buy her polyester clothing. If she becomes incontinent, it will hold the odor. Stick to 100% cotton clothing. Cheerio.

[Tigger 76]

Thanks for the advice. I will suggest this to my mom. My grandma already has issues with incontineience and has been wearing depends for a few years now. The only thing she will wear is 100% cotton dresses. That at least is one thing we do have to fight with her about.

Thanks again for the advice.