My surgery is affecting my son

[Scared and depressed]

I've been recovering from my ruptured aneurysm for the past 6 weeks. Lately I've been extremely depressed and cry easily when I can't get things to work easily anymore. Last night he came home from college class and I was sitting at the computer trying to get myself into this website and was frustrated and crying. He came right over and got me into it and shook his head and walked away. I asked him what was wrong and he said "nothing". He wouldn't talk all night. This morning my husband told me that I'm his problem. He can't deal with my constant mood swings and crying...it's bothering his concentration at school. I cried again and feel like leaving our apartment and stop being such a pain to my own son. I feel so bad that he feels this way. Anyone else have this type of problem??? Marge

[agt]

Sorry to hear you're going through this. Have you talked to your doctor about depression? It seems to be pretty common after annies. Maybe he can give you something. My doctor says after a major surgery it's pretty common to suffer from post traumatic stress syndrome.

One thing I have found since my surgery is that once the doctor says you're fixed everyone thinks you're back to normal. The attitude is that if they can't see any scars or injuries - you're fine. I'm sure you've read many posts now about mood swings, depression and personality changes. Everyone is different but anneurysms are a life altering event and we all handle them differently.

You have my sympathies with your son. I can remember having my now 14 year old son tell me I was crazy because I used to cry alot shortly after surgery. It was hurtful to me but at the same time I realized that I was the stable person in his life and suddenly I was ill. I'm sure alot of what your son is feeling is fear. Suddenly you are different. I'm sure as time passes you start to feel better and the crying and frustation will lessen. You just need to give it time.

Can you try talking to your son and explain your frustration and fears and that you have learned that all of this is part of recovery?

Good luck to you,

Anne


Hope everything works out for you.

[jordal]

o hun its never easy is it? i do know that anything and every thing u go through in life becomes a memory that means even though really hard and crappy at times we do get through it. when we feel we have nothing left, we find another strength we didnt know we had.

i myself have 2 boys... 6 and 8. im waiting to find out what type of surgery the ns will do. im afraid for my boys... theres only me. i have always been the constant factor in their lives. and even with the headaches and hospital trips, they try to understand but i feel like this will only get worse before better.

i think that yes with your son it is worry and fear. at his age he has full understanding of death and loss. yes u have changed, but think about the changes hes been through... and u still love him right? well, once he realizes that things are slowly getting better he will b better prepared for the setbacks that are sure to come as well. i think its still very new (6 weeks u said) with school and life he is living, its very understandable to be overwhelmed....all of u.

leaving would be the worst thing u could possibly do for all of u. if u see ur dr about depression (nothing to be ashamed of, ur brain has been through alot and the chemicals all need to replenish and repair) explane to your son and husband that it will be a few more weeks once on the meds for your body to start helping itself. ask for patience.... after all think back to your life with them... as a mom uv prolly given more patience than u thought u had for the growing up and wife side of things.... its not too much to ask for a bit back...

id also like to point out.... u survived brain surgery for crying out loud..... what in this world is as hard as that? they fixed the only part of ur body that cant be replaced!

so chin up hun as hard as it is it will get better and we are all here to help and support you.

maybe get ur son to read a couple posts here maybe if he sees that everyone who goes through this reacts like this... ur not alone..... jordal

[dawnmn]

Marge,

Reading your post brings back what my family and I went through. I'm coming up to my five year annieversay, and boy did my girls go through a lot during this journey. I had a ruptured annie and it was a night mare for my girls to go through for me that was the easy part. I was in a coma and didn't know what was happening during the hospital stay and then during rehab I was too busy trying to get home. But what a knock of reality when my family finally got me home. For one thing I had changed and didn't realize that at first. My daughter's were 17 and 15 at the time and they thought I would be the same person. I had a brain injury and we were all in denial. I couldn't help them with their school work, forgot to pick them up, and pretty much forgot how to be a mom. I finally went on anti depressions, seeked couseling and sat down with the girls and listened to their fustrations of what they were going through. Thank God, I raised them to talk ( I had to really dig to let them know it was o.k. that they had a right to their anger with me) to talk about about their feelings because they had a lot of anger penned up.
Five years later they still get mad at me for things but now they understand and can laugh about it. One thing they refuse to do is celebrate the day that my boys (doctors) saved my life and you know what that's o.k. with me because I didn't go through what they went through during my rupture. My husband and I go out to dinner and have a cake for it. Take care! Dawn

[annie2105]

Hi! I had a rupture almost 2 years ago with plenty of complications to follow! It is only now that I can talk on the phone without crying. I still cry when I have to say the word "aneurysm" because it still brings up painful memories. This is also very normal if you have a traumatic brain injury from the rupture. I attend a TBI support group and it has helped a lot. I am only now slowly returning to work!I don't have children but maybe there is someone he could talk to and help him work through things. It is such a big adjustment and it is almost like dealing with a loss. You "lost" the person you used to be and it is hard. I had a psychologist tell me to have a funeral in my head for my "old self" and learn what is still good about the new one. I remember the first time I had a job coach ask me what my strengths were. I burst into tears and told her I feel like I don't know me anymore so she just told me what she thought were some of my strengths. I don't know if this is helpful but we are all here for you. Remember your family loves you and they don't know how to deal with it either. I hope you can all work together and figure it out. It sure is a long journey. My hubby and I still have our days! Blessings on your recovery:)

[ChrisC]

Marge, first - congratulations on your survival! Second, please don't beat yourself up on this - you are very early on in your recovery and the LAST thing you need to be doing is blaming yourself for how your son is reacting to your recovery. All of us have issues with this little demon of an aneurysm. We all cope in different ways. And it is MUCH different for our families. They no doubt thought they were going to lose you or have you return to their lives as a different personality. That's a very scary thought for any family member, and they'd LOVE for it to be all over immediately after the surgery - kindof like having your gallbladder out - it's over, done with, and you feel decent and healed within 6 weeks (for the most part). It's [B]not[B] like that with brain surgery. Family members are reminded of their fears nearly every day, and it's not easy for them. My kids walked on egg shells for the better part of a year, despite our conversations - they didn't think I saw all the scared glances and eye rolling they did when I did something off kilter. But I did and I was constantly reminding all of us that it takes time and alot of it. It takes time for ALL of us to adjust. Sit down with your son and have a frank talk with him - let him share his feelings and fears, and you share your fears too. Remember that brain surgery patients make progress and have improvements for 2 years and even longer! It takes [I]patience[I] for patients and families........but open communication is a must!

I wish you the best and hope you continue to progress swiftly.

Chris

[Craig]

I also offer congratulations on simply surviving. Many of us around here are going through what you are going through and it does get a little better with time. Try the one day at a time routine or everything looks too hard to overcome. If depression is a problem don't hesitate to discuss it with your Dr. It seems many of us have to deal with it after aneurism problems. I suffered through it for a long period not sure what was making me so miserable until I took some advice to confront the problem which I did. I was on some meds for just a couple or few months which got me through the tough period. I was able to come off them and feeling relatively normal now. Unfortunately I suffered through it way longer than I had to. Decide with your Dr. if they are required for you.

Keep your chin up !

Craig

[Kitty]

Congratulations on your survival from me, too. I also am a survivor. I was depressed for a while, and on meds for it, which helped. Now am off meds, but still struggling a bit.
I wonder if you and your son might try counseling together. He is surely having issues with the terrible thing you have gone through. Sometimes it is hard for people to confront and deal with their feelings about events like that, so they try to bury it and it comes out in other ways, like the reactions you are describing.
It is not your fault, you certainly didn't plan this!! But some help for both of you might be in order. I know I kept feeling guilty for a while because I thought I should feel wonderful since I survived, and I didn't feel wonderful at all. I still don't feel "wonderful" but I am doing a lot better. I had lots of frustrations at the beginning, and I sometimes feel like I "lost" a year of my life, but then I remind myself I still have a life;)
And always come back here to vent, look for advice, look for virtual hugs, seek encouragement.

Kitty

[RUTHIE]

Oh Marge,
I do feel for you!! It was hard for my son too and they sound the same age. I know how much I scared my family. My son was supposed to take his drivers test that day, I know that sounds trivial, but thats all I could think about, how I let him down. As expected my brain was not functioning at full speed during that 3 weeks I was in the hospital. Once home everyone was on eggshells and can you blame them, they literally saw me at my worst. My husband made the comment, not being cruel, that I looked like frankensteins monster!!! and I can believe it, good thing no one would give me a mirror. LOL. What I'm trying to say is its a scarey thing for children to see their moms in that kind of condition, my son told me he was so scared because he was trying to picture his life without me. how sad!!! I went to a psychologist for about 6 sessions to talk things over and it helped, maybe this would help you too. You're very early in your recovery stage so give yourself lots of time to heal physically and emotionally. Maybe talk to your doc about an antidepressant, I was a basket case before I went on them, but boy did they help! Take care,
RUTHIE

[Suzanne*Canada]

HI Hun and welcome!

As for your son, I can understand how he feels...my Dad had the rupture and I was mad at him. He took so much away from my family and my life.. how obsurd does that sound?:( !! What I came to learn is that I was NOT in fact mad at my Dad I was mad at what happened and how life changed in the blink of an eye. I am older then your son so I can just imagine how hard this must be on a teenager. I went from a Mom , to all of a sudden being a caregiver and having the weight of the world on my shoulders and I was sooo angry about it.

I didn't realize how angry I as until my husband pointed out how angry I was all the time.. I yelled at him, yelled at my kids, wouldn't discuss anything with anyone because I felt that this was MY weight to bear. Your son needs some councelling... whether it be at school or in a support group setting.... sharing your thoughts and feelings and MOST OF ALL your fears, helps soooo much ! I found my support in online support groups and it changed my life, literally.. knowing I was NOT alone and it was ok to be scared.. just facing my fears and realizing my blessings was a huge step in recovery ... and YES your family are emotional survivors hun so they too need to heal and recover.
If you ever want to talk or if your son is interested in talking just send me a private message by clicking on my name and choosing Private Message.

HUGS and hang in there hun, you WILL get through this!
Suzanne

[ashsky]

congratulations on surviving. my mother is a 7 months survivor of a ruptured brain aneurysm. like others have pointed out, his journey has been a little longer than yours b/c you were likely "out of it" during the rupture and recovery from surgery. speaking from my experience, those weeks of not knowing if my mom would die or live, or live meaningfully afterwards, were the absolute hardest of my life. it's taken my mom this long to fully understand how scary that time was.

people handle grief in different ways. again, speaking for myself, there is a grieving process. while my mother did survive, she has changed. i think survivors and family members have to remember that there may well be a new "normal" from now on. do i miss who my mom used to be? sure! she does too. but mostly, we try to focus on how lucky she is to have survived and recovered as well as she did.

how old is your son? my sister and i are 24 and 28 respectively, and it was hard even at our age. i can't imagine how hard it would be at a younger age. encourage your son to read up on things. coming here has been such a valuable source of information and experiences for me and has shown me the range of what to expect. support of any sort is a good thing, and if he can't get what he needs in real life, there are many online places that would be good for him.

i'd be more than happy to email with him if you think it would help, since i've been in his shoes and can relate to what that's like.

[ashsky]

also, i do some digital scrapbooking and doing this page really helped me work through a lot of the feelings i was having about my mom's recovery. i don't know if he writes or is creative, but having some kind of outlet to get the emotions out if they won't come out in words is very helpful...

http://www.crystalsboard.com/users/ashley/meaningweek1.jpg

the words on the page are hard to read, but it says though you are still with us, there is still a loss to grieve. it seems blasphemous to grieve. it makes me feel ungrateful and horribly guilty. you are alive and that is a miracle. but you have changed. you are still generous to a fault, more intelligent than most, witty, caring, charming, and an absolute slave to the love of your grandchildren. you are beautiful and strong and determined. but i miss our talks. i miss listening to you ramble on about work. it was so boring, but you loved it so much and your enthusiasm was so endearing. i miss your stories about nicaragua. you repeated yourself all the time, but your childhood was something out of a novel and it fascinated me to no end. i miss your unsolicited advice. i'd grind my teeth naturally, but appreciated your perspective. and of course you'd always end with "i'll shut up now. it's none of my business." but i love that we're close enough that you could butt in if you wanted to. it was such a running joke that you talked for yourself and everyone around you. you were so eloquent and insightful and inspiring. i miss your voice. strong and proud and assuring. i miss you.

i still don't understand how things can change so fast. ten o'clock at night on march 13 we were joking on the phone about you dropping avery on her head and causing brain damage. twelve hours later, you were gone and we were all wondering what brain damage you would suffer. how did it happen so fast? what will come next? what do the next weeks, months, years hold? can things turn good as quickly as they go bad?

no matter what the future brings and no matter how you change, i'll never leave you. we've shared darkness and light and the mercurial nature of life won't take that bond from us. my hand will always be there for you, as yours was for me. i love you mom. bigger than bigger than the sky.

[joannef]

Ashley,
Your digital scrapbooking homage to your Mom was beautiful! It brought tears to my eyes. Thanks for sharing it with us. I remember you and your Mom from before the BT crash and I'm glad to "see" you again! Tell your Mom it sounds like she's doing great and we're all here for her.

Marge,
I wish I could get MY son to talk to YOUR son. My younger son, not my older son.

My older, college-age son is actually better at talking to me about his feelings about what I went thru with the rupture. He even went with me to the BAF awareness walk last May in Boston and together we met some of the wonderful people from this board. He's always been more outgoing and talkative anyway. He's very supportive, probably more so than my husband, even.

It's my younger son who refuses to talk about my rupture. When I try to get him to deal with his pent-up feelings he just clams up even more. He shrugged off my hospital stay and rupture as if it was no big deal, but I really think he was deeply affected that day (and the weeks and months following) and has buried his feelings so far down inside they may never come out unless he goes to therapy someday. He was 15 at the time and was the one standing right next to me, about to help me out of the car, when I passed out. (My husband was walking around the car and my son said, "Daaaad???"). At 15 it has to affect you to witness your mom passing out and being unresponsive and later hooked up to numerous tubes and wires in the hospital. And even tho I did recuperate more quickly and easily than many on this board, I know both my sons had to face the fact that I could well have died that night. Marge, any time you want to talk about this, feel free to private message me (click on my name).

Hugs,
Joanne

[Scared and depressed]

Since my panic note about how upset my son was getting over my condition; he has gotten better about it and even helps me look for things I keep misplacing or forgetting about. I in turn; have made myself stop crying so easily when things don't work right for me or I get frustrated. Alot of it was that I was just plain scared...scared of something happening any minute and feeling so helpless to stop it. He was probably scared for me too; only he got frustrated over my tears. He didn't how to make them go away. Thank you for all your messages of support and understanding. I couldn't have gotten through this with you. Thank God I found this support group!!!!! It'll be 8 weeks tomorrow and I'm still alive and struggling!!!!! Margie