Teaching our kids how to be alone at home

[LIZARD]

TGrimes' thread made me think (again) of this, and I didn't wanna hijack...

Drew is 12 1/2 (13 on July 23), and his therapists and I have been working on trying to teach him to endure short blocks of time at home alone...but it's scaring the h3ll outta me! How do I know he won't find trouble? I actually picture him playing on the PC or X-box the whole time...but what if he isn't? How do you know your kids are safe at home alone?? What's the best way to teach this concept without being terrified the whole time you're gone?


TIA for any suggestions,

LIZARD :)

[Keggy]

It is hard.. and you are asking for two different things. Teaching your kid to be home alone, is one thing... not being terrified is a whole other subject.
You know that he needs to have everything he needs for an emergency... phone, numbers and the understanding that he should run out of the house for help if he needs it.
I've been going through this for awhile now. I come home to find my dd playing games on the puter or asleep, my dd tells me not to call after ten cause she is asleep (sigh). I think the biggest warning to watch for is if your kid is getting in trouble when he is not alone then he will probably get in trouble home alone.





TGrimes' thread made me think (again) of this, and I didn't wanna hijack...

Drew is 12 1/2 (13 on July 23), and his therapists and I have been working on trying to teach him to endure short blocks of time at home alone...but it's scaring the h3ll outta me! How do I know he won't find trouble? I actually picture him playing on the PC or X-box the whole time...but what if he isn't? How do you know your kids are safe at home alone?? What's the best way to teach this concept without being terrified the whole time you're gone?


TIA for any suggestions,

LIZARD :)

[Mother's Heart]

As a beginning step besides preparing him with needed skills, I spend time outside while my son is inside alone, at first for short times, then I progressed to working in the garden or reading or whatever outside for longer periods. Then he gets used to the feeling of being alone in the house and I get to be nearby,and I get to see what types of problems he can encounter/create while I'm not there to intervene.

Our church is nearby. Sometimes I take my daughter to church, or walk up the road to pick her up from a friend's house in the evening and leave him there on his own. He just does his thing, watching videos, snacking. playing with stuff.


I'm with Tgrimes. Though I leave him with sister babysitting....there's less mess when he's left alone.

[Mother's Heart]

I don't have the technology...but I wonder if it would be a useful tool to have a videocam running while you are not in the house. Then you could see what he does and have information of what things you can teach him for the future? just a thought.

what other tips and suggestions do people have?

[AKF]

That video cam is a great idea! I don't think I'm savvy enough to use one, though!!

I only leave Keith alone for short times if I'm going to the bank and post office or a quick trip to pick up one of the others. For one thing, he doesn't really like to be left; he would rather go most of the time.

And I'm not 1000% confident of what he would do in an emergency. Can't quite get there yet!!

[tgrimes]

Theo just turned ten - but he has been home alone for a while now.
Before anyone has a cow, I really do need to reiterate that he is safer alone than with others, or than in public areas - I do not know how else to explain this but I know some of you know exactly what I mean.
This started when he would refuse to come with me to pick up Carter from school, and it took so much energy out of me (and him) if there was a standoff when he didn't want to go. So I just started leaving him to what he wanted and locking the door, by way of the lesser of two evils method of reason.
I probably worried for the first 15 or 20 times - Nowadays I don't have anxiety about it too much - he knows where all the phone numbers are, he knows what level of emergency requires 911 and what requires a call to cellphone. I have to just trust that I knew the difference when I was telling him, but that applies to all lessons, doesn't it?

I had to be real specific about types of things he is allowed to do and not do too (cooking), because you know if you didn't say it, then it wasn't a rule. He is very interested in obediently following all the rules, despite having a very oppositional personality that would make you think otherwise. Just the way he works.

Liz - Can you send Drew into a store with cash, to get a specific item, and he carries that out without incident? (And has the change) If so, then you probably won't have too much trouble transitioning him into this.

[Mother's Heart]

I've thought about this more along the lines of long-term future need than I have focusing on leaving the kid for short times (or longer, which mine isn't ready for yet) while he's in my guardianship.

My thoughts have run a long the lines of what skills does he need to be learning now to make it possible for him to live the most independently he can in the future? I've tried to imagine my DS living in a supported livng environment with the support personnel not living directly inside the same home with him. I've had the hardest time thinking he would be able to deal with all the minor crises that arise when you are responsible for yourself in a home. Things like what if the water heater stops working, or the toilet overflows, or....etc etc. Then there's that other thing....just how long would it be before there was a fire, or more likely before he managed to flood the place because he was so busy interacting with the water to notice (or rather care) that the sink was overflowing in the meanwhile.

More thoughts about what basics need to be taught before the child can be prepared to be responsible for themselves at home alone as an adult?

hmm. maybe we need two threads. One for present independence, and one for adult independence.

[rbear4]

We have been working on this with Cait as well (12, nearly 13). Her therapist also thought it was time and we started with really short stints. Just tonight she babysat her 2 youngest siblings for the first time (not the autistic one, the 7 and 9yo NTs - I actually feel better when they are there too)

Mike (11) is not nearly ready yet but I hope he is by the time he is 12 1/2 or so. We are working hard on the kind of behavior to get him there.

I still am worried sick about it. I don't think that goes away, maybe with alot of practice.

HOwever, ONE thing that has helped is drilling her on ANSWERING THE PHONE! And I call often. One day she was home ill and I went out. She fell asleep and didn't answer the phone and I called many times in a row. I FLEW home only to find her asleep.

Maybe someday I will be ok with it. But it is hard when you are over protective mommie.

[rbear4]

oh, and we have drilled certain rules and I review them each time I leave.

1) DO NOT answer the door for anyone! Anyone who would be allowed in with the kids has a key (grandma, mom, dad) You can let in Mrs. J from next door. She keeps an eye out for me when I am gone

2) Only answer the phone if it is mom, dad, grandparents and Mrs. J.

3) NO COOKING!

4) NO USING KNIVES (They are told exactly which snacks then can have and all of them involve no cutting or cooking if I am not there)

5) Keep all doors locked and stay inside. ( I trust all my immediate neighbors but we do have one convicted sex offender not far away. I really don't need someone driving by figuring out that the kids are home alone).

Am I a bit neurotic?

The problem is even with these rules, once I came home to find a watch tower magazine on the counter and Cait tells me how these nice people came for a visit. FREAKED ME OUT that she openned the door. But she is getting better all the time,

Oh and I have 2 BIG doggies to scare away strangers too.

[peglem]

[QUOTE]oh, and we have drilled certain rules and I review them each time I leave.

1) DO NOT answer the door for anyone! Anyone who would be allowed in with the kids has a key (grandma, mom, dad) You can let in Mrs. J from next door. She keeps an eye out for me when I am gone

2) Only answer the phone if it is mom, dad, grandparents and Mrs. J.

3) NO COOKING!

4) NO USING KNIVES (They are told exactly which snacks then can have and all of them involve no cutting or cooking if I am not there)

5) Keep all doors locked and stay inside. ( I trust all my immediate neighbors but we do have one convicted sex offender not far away. I really don't need someone driving by figuring out that the kids are home alone).

Am I a bit neurotic?

Not at all neurotic, it sounds reasonable to me!

The problem is even with these rules, once I came home to find a watch tower magazine on the counter and Cait tells me how these nice people came for a visit. FREAKED ME OUT that she openned the door. But she is getting better all the time,

Seems there's no way to keep them out!

I think its great that you guys can even THINK about leaving your kids home alone. Allie is 12 1/2 and I even worry about leaving her alone with her dad! He's getting better about dealing with her calmly, but she invariably melts down when I'm gone. I sure hope we get to the point where teaching her what to do when we're gone is an option. She has no way to respond to a phone call.

[rbear4]

I think its great that you guys can even THINK about leaving your kids home alone. Allie is 12 1/2 and I even worry about leaving her alone with her dad! He's getting better about dealing with her calmly, but she invariably melts down when I'm gone. I sure hope we get to the point where teaching her what to do when we're gone is an option. She has no way to respond to a phone call.

I understand that too. While Cait is learning to stay home alone, Mike isn't nearly ready at 11 and I am not sure when or if he will be. I am fortunate in that this year it has worked out where I can leave him with DH and my mom, not with in-laws typically. We are working on respite but I have the darndest time finding a decent respite worker.

Renee

[Fe-fe]

I think I was in my early teens before my parents started letting me stay at home on my own. I was either on the computer or playing in my room so they didn't have to worry about me doing anything I shouldn't do (not that I did anyway). I was either on the computer or playing in my room for the duration they were gone, and I never did anything I shouldn't have done.

When I was 14 my brother and sister had Saturday morning sports games which Dad went to and Mum had to work meaning I was at home alone for 3 hours. I managed ok apart from the phone ringing, which really bothered me (the noise), so I'd have to be in a room where a phone was to answer it straight off. Eventually we got a cordless phone and I'd take it to whichever room I was in so I'd be able to do what I wanted to do.

[Keggy]

LOL... Rbear your rules are standard procedure here as well.

[AKF]

This won't put anybody's mind at ease, but once when Keith was about 11 or so, we were all outside working in the yard, and he got tired and went inside. When I came in later, the smell of something burning hit me like a ton of bricks, and Keith went running upstairs like he does when he knows he's in trouble. I went all over the house looking for something on fire and could find nothing. Then I went in the kitchen again and noticed that the paper towel roll was black and the kitchen wall had black streaks running up it!! He had taken a click lighter, like for the grill, and had lit the paper towel roll!!

I totally lost it, screamed and yelled and spanked like never before. Apparently he got the message, because he has never done that again. But he loves to light candles and that worries me about leaving him alone. I just don't do it very often and then only if I have to. Maybe one of these days he'll be there, but not too soon. Fortunately, he does qualify for Supported Independent Living, so if he gets his own place one day, he can have 24/7 supervision.

[Jamies Mommy]

I could probably never leave Jamie home alone because the autism still makes him unpredictable and add non verbal to that however in reality he would probably do quite well.He knows how to care for himself but ya just never know.

[tgrimes]

Just thinking - another thing to consider is what signs you would need to see to show someone is ready to be in public alone too, like what shows you they are ready to walk to a friends house, or ride a bike, walk a dog, etc alone.
And is it important to work toward that level.

[rbear4]

Just thinking - another thing to consider is what signs you would need to see to show someone is ready to be in public alone too, like what shows you they are ready to walk to a friends house, or ride a bike, walk a dog, etc alone.
And is it important to work toward that level.

If I put my fingers in my ears and sing really loud can I pretend I didn't hear this and it won't happen? LA LA LA LA LA LA LA

I mentioned to someone not long ago, as they grow up somethings get easier and some things get harder. Letting them grow up and be a bit more independent is one of those harder things.

I *know* I should let them do more of this stuff but the world out there scares me. It is all the creeps that creep me out. I am thinking of getting Cait a service dog to take with her places and training it to bite any suspicious person. Ok, maybe I won't train it to bite, maybe just growl....

[tgrimes]

Renee, too funny. Do any of your kids have neighborhood friends they are able to walk to alone?

[LIZARD]

Do any of your kids have neighborhood friends they are able to walk to alone?

This is what I hope getting Drew into our neighborhood school will do for him. It's such a pain in the @$$ that he's bussed across town, so all the kids going to his school live near the school. He needs to get to know kids closer to home (for his mom's sake, too!). We'll see...


LIZARD :)

[LIZARD]

Hey, everybody. :) Thank you all for all the awesome input. Sorry it's taken me this long to jump back in; I'm digesting all of it. :) That's what I want to use his next staff meeting to focus on. Thank God for that Migo phone! I think it's the best investment I have ever made. For those of you whose kids are verbal and working (or you're even thinking of working) on phone skills, they are an awesome tool. :)

I'm also calling the SPED instructor at the local JHS today to see about meeting with him and finding out more about what's available so we can transition Drew as painlessly as possible. Wish me luck! I'm so excited, but I'm nervous, too. They do still have services there, of course, but apparently they aren't as intensive. I'd like to think he's ready for this.


LIZARD, crossing everything I have...:eek: :o

[Phoeff]

I used to post under another name but every time I try it I get an error message....

Anyway, DH and I are in the same boat. Nick is now 11 and he very desperately wants to be independent. He says it's embarrassing for him when his little brother (8) has to go with him everywhere, or Mom and Dad has to follow him.

We now allow him to go around the corner to the other cul de sac on his bike alone but we bought him a cell phone and he always has to check in. It's not foolproof as we caught him talking to a stranger (a neighbor we didn't know personally but a neighbor we do know knows her)

It's still very very hard.

As for the home alone, we've started out gradually, left all emergency info out for the boys so they know what to do, and we also have neighbors they can go to.

[rbear4]

Renee, too funny. Do any of your kids have neighborhood friends they are able to walk to alone?

I wish. Sadly no. We are still working on the friends thing. Cait has some in school starting this year, mostly from her aspie class. One little asperger's boy will come over once in a blue moon but lives about 15 minutes away. Even when she was in the neighborhood school she never really hit it off with the neighborhood kids, kwim?

Mike....well Mike's only friends are the ones who's moms are my friends. He gets along better with little kids. I couldn't trust him to be able to walk the neighborhood on his own anyway. Not yet. The only house he has gone too is one friend of ours who have kids who are friends with my other kids. The parents are wonderful with him and take him as well. The dad usually plays with Mike. But they are not walking distance either.

I have let Cait walk the dog up and down just our street and that works well. I have not let Mike do that yet. He needs to have someone with him just yet. He doesn't always notice cars and has really no problem solving and very little safety awareness or common sense.

[tgrimes]

Well, sorry to hear that, I'm sure it will happen for him soon. Theo has a new method of making frieds. He walks up, says: "Wanna be my friend? I'll just need your phone number..." then usually the kids go "uhhhh, no..." but once in a while a kid will just give it to him, and so he has gotten about four phone numbers this way while we were out somewhere. He doesn't call them, though.
But he did make one friend this way during the couple of weeks he went to school this year and remained friends with him, he spent the night a few times and Theo plays with him well, but you can tell he sort of has his "full" of someone, he wants to get away after about an hour or so.