Assertiveness/improving self esteem

[Lauren88]

Hi. I have had a lot of problems in relationships with people, some no doubt as a normal kid/teen but some of which have definitely been caused/exacerbated by my disabilities. One of the tips I have been given for dealing with the ignorant comments/hurt that we encounter is not to care what people think. But how do you stop yourself from caring?

Although I have learnt not to show it I am quite sensitive and will often mull over things people have said to me that are misguided/nasty. Even better, how do you think of things to say back that will say to them 'hold on you've got the wrong idea here' but not completely alienate them? I CAN think of comebacks it's just hours after the event! And also I don't like confrontation, when I am in that kind of situation I tend to get upset quite easily - I hate to but I can't help it! and that kind of ruins the effect of anything I might say! I want to strike a balance between standing up for my own needs/beliefs but without seeming too militant. I don't want to go over the top but I DO really want to be able to think/say to others, hold on you know nothing about me who do you think you are? you have no right to treat me like that. It's worse because I'm still at school and while there are some wonderful caring people there, there are also some very petty, ignorant ones and it tends to be the latter who have the power and whom I end up needing things from

I am also in the position that I have often been the only one - at primary school I was the only one with a physical disability at all and in secondary school it has only been this year that other students have arrived who can walk but need to use wheelchairs as well. It is SO hard to stand up for yourself when you're constantly being told either how 'lucky' you are (primary school) or, 'if x and y and z don't need to do x why do you?

Any thoughts appreciated - have posted elsewhere but thought I would put it here too as a lot of my problems do relate to my CP and also it might pick up replies from people who maybe don't read CN. Thanks

[Poetwoman]

HELL! I was in the middle of a long response on this, and I accidently deleted it! :mad: I was saying how much I can related to what you said, and your responses. One thing I can tell you is that things get better once you are working and out in the "world" in other words, not in school. School can be brutal. Part of it is that when others around you get older and more mature they stop saying and doing stupid and cruel things. To help yourself, you might want to try repeating a list of your good qualities to yourself when someone has just treated you badly. Try to find what you do best and do it! That leads to better self esteem! Joining a club with people with similar interests can help alot in making friends. I try to use humor when I can. When people used to tell me how they wish they had a scooter too when they were tired I would say wtih a smile: "yes it's fun sometimes but the qualifications to get one suck". I am by no means perfect at this kind of thing, believe me. I am now working in a middle school and learning how to be a "teacher" and set the ground rules for class or cutting someone off when they have just been cruel to someone is helping me too to feel braver about what to say in my personal life when someone is inappropriate to me.
These kids can push my buttons too--I have seen them imitating my gate and tried to call a couple kids on it but they have acted all innocent. It bothers me some but then middle school is a cruel place for lots of people. In that respect I don't feel alone. Speaking of which I was the most visibly disabled kid in elementary school, and then in high school there was one other girl with CP and a couple with CP in college. However I now live in a rural area and I don't see alot of disabled people here unless they are from the local residential school. It gets lonely sometimes. Hang in there! Poetwoman

[Sunshine2]

I can relate.....when growing up I was very quiet and shy and was very badly pidgeoned toed when in grade school to the point of needing braces to wear while sleeping.....(I had to decide what to sleep on my back or my stomach)...

I was picked on, called names and rejected a lot by usually the worst bullies...they loved someone like me....lol.

I am finding that even as an adult, many look their noses down on me or what have you...........or I just get plain ignored. This ignoring thing, even goes on at my child's school by the people who run the PTO group, they think they are so much better than me because I don't have what they have, etc....it irritates me and when I have to use my cane, I get weird looks from people no matter where I am at.....I've been called weird my entire life, so I am used to it.....I have learned over the years to be able to talk to anyone and if someone is being hurtful or rude, I tend to just ignore them and/or stay away from them after that, but usually they end up hurting me in more than one way before I finally get the sense to do that.

As far as someone who can do something for me (such as their job) you usually got to get advocates involved or look up the rules/regs for their job and print it out and take it to them and show them what it is that they are supposed to be doing....because 9 times out of 10, it could be they aren't doing anything near what they are supposed to be doing, especially since the budget cuts have taken a toll on the elderly, disabled and poor of this country and people have been dying all over the place (in my state, anyway).

What also works with beauracracy is writing beuracrats, ie: senators, congressmen and representatives and asking them to help, then there are the newspapers/tv and radio stations too (go to www.congress.org for media links and links to the representatives in your area)....to get you started. Many on that website just do the messages on there, but they don't ever respond to those, you have to send it to them directly and/or call their offices.....to have them respond.

I was raised to just be "nice" unfortunately, "Nice" doesn't help you to survive, "assertive, agressive, whining, complaining and writing letters, etc" helps to survive.

I hope this helps, from my standpoint anyway.....

and my motto is:

"Don't ever give up".

[Lauren88]

Thanks for the replies! It's good to know I'm not alone. Sunshine2 - you are right, it's amazing what a difference it makes to have someone speak up for you - suddenly, what you have asked for for ages just happens! I am lucky in that there are some lovely people in my school who will speak up for me, and that is helping - amazing what a change there is when it comes from another adult. I am really hoping university will be better, but I have to get the grades to get there first!

Oh well, onwards and upwards! :)

[blackbelt1997]

I have difficulties with this too. Sometimes I think it helps to be honest with people up front. I tend to like to use a sense of humor about things.
I used to get upset right when someone said something unkind. It takes practice to keep a straight face. I still get upset afterwards once they leave the situation. At least though I didn't give them the power of knowing that they made me upset.
College was wonderful for me. There were so many different people. Everyone just did their own thing.
I still have to work on thinking to myself that just because someone says something about me doesn't make it true.

[CPchick]

I can definitely relate. I know you're a few years older than me, but we're in similar situations. I think what's helped me is to laugh at ignorance. It might be non-PC, but I think it does help just to laugh rather than getting upset. I'll post an essay I wrote for you to read about CP.

[Tmagic650]

Yes this kind of thing happens to AB's as well as us. I am the oldest here now, so I may not be as sensitive as most of you. Believe me, these concerns will pass if you learn to let them... eventually