assertiveness/improving self esteem

[Lauren88]

Hi. I have had a lot of problems in relationships with people, some no doubt as a normal kid/teen but some of which have definitely been caused/exacerbated by my disabilities. One of the tips I have been given for dealing with the ignorant comments/hurt that we encounter is not to care what people think. But how do you stop yourself from caring?

Although I have learnt not to show it I am quite sensitive and will often mull over things people have said to me that are misguided/nasty. Even better, how do you think of things to say back that will say to them 'hold on you've got the wrong idea here' but not completely alienate them? I CAN think of comebacks it's just hours after the event! :rolleyes: And also I don't like confrontation, when I am in that kind of situation I tend to get upset quite easily - I hate to but I can't help it! :mad: and that kind of ruins the effect of anything I might say! I want to strike a balance between standing up for my own needs/beliefs but without seeming too militant. I don't want to go over the top but I DO really want to be able to think/say to others, hold on you know nothing about me who do you think you are? you have no right to treat me like that. It's worse because I'm still at school and while there are some wonderful caring people there, there are also some very petty, ignorant ones and it tends to be the latter who have the power and whom I end up needing things from :mad: :rolleyes:

I am also in the position that I have often been the only one - at primary school I was the only one with a physical disability at all and in secondary school it has only been this year that other students have arrived who can walk but need to use wheelchairs as well. It is SO hard to stand up for yourself when you're constantly being told either how 'lucky' you are (primary school) or, 'if x and y and z don't need to do x why do you? :mad: :(

Any thoughts appreciated

[lacyndarella]

Lauren,

I know it's hard for you. All I can offer is empathy. I don't know what its like. I'm blessed with good health. But I do know what it's like to be a teenager. It's not easy for anybody. Most teenagers don't know how to stick up for themselves without alienating others. That's why they are so alienated. They want to be an individual as long as they are exactly like everyone else. It's called an oxymoron. Just know that it does get easier. Eventually you really don't care what other people think. It comes with maturity. You learn that you are responsible to yourself and your family and the words of others hurt you less. Mostly you learn that your anger or hurt has absolutely no affect on those who cause it. It only affects you. Sweetheart, you are going to care what people think. They are going to hurt your feelings. And you are right, telling you not to care doesn't make it happen. Trying not to care doesn't make it happen either. Time and maturity will help. In the meantime, spend time with the people who make you feel good, who appreciate you, and you will appreciate yourself. Nothing is better for your self esteem than being loved by a good friend. I know you can't avoid the bad, but you can offset it with the good.

None of this probably helps much, but I hope at least you smile...

Lacy

[Lauren88]

Thanks for the reply Lacy :) Yeah hopefully it will get easier but (puts on spoilt brat voice) I WANT IT AND I WANT IT NOW!! :p (you'll be getting that from Jimmie soon - p.s. he's really cute! :)

[mpalmer118]

Your personality sounds a lot like me at the same age. Lacy is right, everything does become easier as you mature. The comebacks will come faster, but you will learn they don't help. As you become more confident, you will care less what others think. It is also easier to get the buggers that bother you out of your life when you are older. :D