What keeps you going on with life??

[Buttons2]

I just was thinking of how my giving up would affect my friends & family. I'd have to say my grown sons & my adopted "rescue" dog are what keeps me going....

Both of my sons suffer from depression also. Neither are married or have any children. If I chose to leave I truly believe at least one of them would follow. It's not something we discuss,not exactly a good topic of conversation ya know!

A big part of why I got a dog last spring was for companionship & to force me to get out and walk. On days when I'm in alot of pain,depressed & have zilch energy-I have to force myself to consider how my dog feels. He wants to play,he needs his walk-he needs ME & I need him. Even if it's just 5 minutes of playtime outside,it's more than I would attempt without him.

There are many days when I don't even attempt to get dressed. It's just not worth it! My dog doesn't care....he just wants me to give him some attention. And I ask myself what would become of him if I were gone? He spent nearly 6 months in a shelter,providing a home for him was my way of saving myself.

Want to share your story?

[~KeLL*wants*answers~]

My kids...My parents...

[kennethhoff]

Thoughts I had: when there is no one else for you, no spouse, kids, friends, etc..., then your forced to come to the recognition, happiness, peace, everything does and always has come from inside you. The will to live, the will to die, the will to help, the will to be helped, the will to love or be loved, and the lists keep going. In the end, no one can save you except your own self, and in my humble opinion, a higher power of your understanding.
I am a buddhist. I have also had a brief awakened expeience. And I know now I am not my body, not my mind, but much greater indeed. My choice for life is only based on my option to try and awake to this, call it enlightenment if you will, before my turn to leave this life. Buddha taught desire, attachment and ignorance of our own truth is cause for all suffering in life. The desire for life, to live, is so part of our experience. But death is not the end, just a continuation. So for my part, I continue to live to try and awake to the truth as I understand it. And that, is my only reason for being here. Nothing "out there" can ultimately make me happy. The gift of pain and depression is that it forces us, with complete penetration, to look within. One of the few gifts of pain there is!
-Ken

[RustyD]

My Dogs and my faith... I have been mulling over a collective living center for those with Chronic Pain or other conditions who have no one.. Like a big commune I guess where at least we might have each other...

[Hsiw]

It has been a long time since I have thought of suicide. What keeps me going is my plans for the future. I always keep in mind my goals of what I would love to become and do with my life. I think of all the differences one person can make on other people or perhaps even the world. I think of those that love me and those that I love. I think of all the things I have not yet been able to do and that I would love to do someday.

Tonights Desperate Housewives was a good one. It talked about life and death and showed that sometimes you can't stop some people from doing what they are going to do anyways. The most memorable part was at the end when the narrator said "You can't prevent what you can't predict." Life is full of surprises, and you don't know what is going to happen unless you stick around and wait for them. I am constantly waiting for the day when I get my first house, when I complete all the education I would like, when I become an aunt, a mother, a grandmother, when I have a successful, meaningful career; until I live my life in full potential, there is no use giving up yet. Atleast that's how I feel.

[Dripple]

my son and my friends

[Buttons2]

I honestly don't know if I'd still be here if it weren't for BT. That might sound rather corny to some people but I know how bad my life was,full of total despair,wondering if I was going completely nuts,going from one doctor to another trying to get a diagnosis. Many of you can relate I'm sure.

After awhile you just want to crawl in a hole & give up.

Then I met a guy on BT named Russell (his screen name was Army). He was a vet & had suffered more life horror than most people could only imagine. Not just from his war experiences but in his personal life as well. He reached out on BT for a reason to keep going. Reading his story was heartbreaking. Every morning I woke up wondering if he had given up.....he was on morphine & all he had to do was increase the dosage. He touched many of us here with his courage to keep going in spite of his horrific pain & suffering.

He gave me a reason to keep going,everytime I communicated with him I felt a connection to LIFE. As I encouraged him not to give up I realized I didn't have life so bad afterall & I was far better off than he & many others here on BT are/were.

Hopefully someone else out in cyberspace will find a connection that gives them reason to hope for a better tomorrow & realize that even if you don't have friends or family who are caring,understanding & supportive....you can reach out right here on BT & discover for yourself that by helping others' you really do help yourself.

Best to all,Buttons

[Starfire]

honestly, i don't know... been about eight-months since my near-suicide experience, hopefully i'll find the "reason" for staying alive soon...

[Buttons2]

Starfire, you are still here because of YOURSELF,because YOU matter. Everyone single one of us has some purpose. And consider what I've mentioned about my rescue dog.....just go to a shelter & connect with an animal that needs YOU. Everytime you look into a dogs eyes you can connect & know you have a reason to keep going cause this critter depends on you to be there!

RustyD, we have a cyber commune! I can't imagine my life without it!

Keep in mind all the people who may be lurking here & perhaps we can keep them around awhile longer. For those of you in the dark pit right now-hang on! Never give up....

Wishing everyone a brighter day,Buttons

[frame]

my reasons are kind of self centered. i'm waiting on a cure for ms, the ability to walk again, my dog, and... well who am i kidding... the opportunity to one day have an orgasm again :)
hopefully before i turn 26

[K969]

I just decided to stop in here, this is the first time I have been here.

I attempted suicide a few years ago and have had many thoughts of doing it again as well. The last time I spoke about this to my doctor i ended up having 22 treatments of ECT (shock Treatment).

One day i WILL sit down and write here all about my why's and what's etc.

It is all due to medical problems and quality of life. Amongst many other things I also have Secondary progressive MS.

Love to you all
Tracey
Hopefully I will come back here and share my story with you all.

Forgot to add that my 21 year old son tried to hang himself last year.

[Lara]

Hi Tracey,
I was just here writing another message on jennifer's thread. Saw you post and wanted to say hello. It's nice to meet you. I'm over in SE Qld.
Sounds as if you have a lot on your plate and I'm sorry to hear that.
take care there,
Lara

[Mott]

Foremost of which is my religious beliefs. I'm not afraid to die, everybody does, I'm afraid of what would happen to me after I die if I killed myself.

Of what it would do to my mom. I came very close to killing myself in 1987 and the only thing that kept me from it was the thought of her finding me in a bloodbath. I was going to slit my throat or blow my brains out, not the easiest way to do it and it takes a lot of guts. I've thought to myself over the years that I would just wait till she passed away to do it. She's 73 now.

Too many people would like to see me dead and I won't give them the satisfaction. I know that too many people here feel the exact opposite though... It would hurt far more people than it would please.

I have Hepatitis C and it might do the job for me. I've had it since 1996 and from what I gather it takes about 20 years or so for your liver to get to the point it can't do it's job anymore. The thought of that is far from pleasing but it's a distinct possibility. Your liver stops filtering the impurities out of your blood and you turn the color of a basketball before you die, drowning in your own toxins. I don't take treatments for it and have been asked if that wasn't a form of suicide. (My genotype has the highest response rate to treatment but the treatments can be worse than the disease and I really don't want to take them. It's not a sure cure either.) I'll have to leave that to God to decide. I figure if that's what He wants I'm not going to argue with Him about it, and if not HepC won't kill me.

I'm just too stubborn to die. There are as many reasons now to do it as I've ever had, I'm just not going to do it. There are as many not to do it too.

;) I'll be 50 next month and am so darn good looking. :p


Enough of that...


I guess it's just the wrong thing to do and wouldn't advise anybody to do it. I'd be glad to talk to anybody that was seriously considering it without condemming you to try to help. It does help to talk about it.

Mott

[waves]

Love.

Beauty.

Singing for someone who was depressed, and seeing their face change into a wide, smile for the first time in two weeks.I'm glad I was alive for that. I feel sort of honored that i played a part in her feeling better, if for just then.

Making tea for my parents, whose continued presence is a safety net - at times uncomfortable, which protects me. They love tea in bed. First one up makes tea. When i lived alone one of them did; now many times they both are awakene gently by the tinkle of a spoon on a cup and a soft voice saying good morning. (except for the day that soft voice belonged to a hypomanic spirit and i brought the tea singing (very softly) "Good Mornin', Good MOooornin', the Sun is shinging through, good mornin', good mornin', to youuuuuu!" I don't even know if the bit about the sun is the right lyric but it was in the right spirit, still. They have some physical troubles. II feel good when i bring them tea in the morning. Perhaps that is egotistical too, but i want to care for them, lift their burdens, now, while they, i should say we, are alive. Gotta be alive for that, all around.

My dad sometimes gets about first and then I get coffee in bed and a gentle morning greeting to go with it. I appreciate the reciprocity. My mother is the latest sleeper in the house, but sometimes she too is the morning star.

My african violet. I made a pact with it actually. I was really for a period where i couldn't manage therapy. But my aftrican violet was sprouting buds. so i made a pact with it, and examined the progress of the buds each day (amazing - they come up quick!) Each day you could see growth, nature, slowly revealing glory. Often i might cry, unable to "appreciate it" but there was the pact, and i felt sad about letting the beauty its flowering go unappreciated. I wanted to see it, and i also wanted it to be seen. So we stuck around.

You know, as soon as i made the pact, she sprouted another sprout and made an even more beautiful flowering for me, and a long lasting one. i tend to get a little mystical about these things... serendipity... synchronicity at the very least.... the fourth shoot of blooms was like a confirmation to my pact: yes, me plant and you human, we're gonna stick it out here. African Violets are sensitive to keep alive... you have to get the water and the light just right. We're doing it. So far, we're doing it. After the flowering it looks like there will be a round of leaves. Still she is making very good, healthy leaves. I like to think perhaps she will lead me, and i too will learn to make good, healthy leaves. Flowering, well, who knows. My zamioculcas (african fern-looking succulent) is just beautiful and doesn't bloom (in these conditions anyway). but is still beautiful. and it made 3 new stems/leaves one is unfolding now.

and yes, i love them both. hee hee. my parents yes, and both plants too.

the person i love least perhaps, and this is a problem, is myself, and this leaves me to question the love i think i feel for others. then i wonder if by loving others i can learn to love myself better. anyone any ideas (if you got this far down :o)

love from others... it helps me tremendously to feel loved, and when i am down i often can't seem to hold this perspective, let alone feel - two different things. when dad brings me tea, i feel loved. when my mother laughs with me or shares with me in a peaceful way (there is much anger often, instead), i feel loved. These things help.

i have said a lot.

i guess i am held to live by a lot of things. actually just two principal elements but things to keep going by, moment by moment. when time is rough, i can only take it in moments. a moment of pain is more tolerable than a day of it.

i have spoken at too great a length i fear. i wonder if some of these elements can help some of you. i hope so.

~ waves ~ who is feeling grounded tonight

[bizi]

My darling waves,
I love you.
bizi

[msgill]

I have had Fibro for over 15yrs, and I am so lucky to have an understanding and helpfull husband. We have 3 children between the two of us. I have found that so many people think that they have the cure for me... Like there is one out there.. I just realize that I am lucky enough to have people who really do care.. That is enough to keep me going from day to day, no matter what the day is like.. I have just gotten up after 4 days in bed, but even while being there and hurting so, I know that there will be a better day, it may not last long, but it will be better, and it is that. That makes each day waking up to.. weather it be good or bad.. :-}

[GottaLaugh]

I joined just a few minutes ago and happy I did for the most part. I can relate, sympathize & empathize with most posts/posters....

I've joined other forums and remain at a couple BUT -

I invariably come across posts (MOTT) that make it clear that they have chosen to buy into 'dogma' prescribed by their organized religeon and that part is fine. I am spiritual too. I have Jehovah friends, Born Agains, Catholics, etc. All my ancestors have jewish blood running thru their veins as do I, as does my ex, and as our children do. I know a bit of culture but my ex & I were raised w/o religeon and I agree with that practise.

I feel strongly that one's personal belief system comes about only when that person (young adult) feels the need to go there - or not! When another imparts their beliefs on a youngster and/or allows anyone else to; it's nothing less than Brain Washing .

I may be mistaken; but I thought I got a wiff of moral 'imparting' in that post. Correct me if I am mistaken. **

It's time we respect the choices people make for their own bodies and lives. If someone is tormented for so long that they can no longer feel joy, who has the right to sentence them to more?? No one has the right to dictate what anyone does with their life or their body. We've had & still have too much of that in the USA.

This is my truth and it cannot be argued. I am never malicious & I don't do controvercy.

I am an intuitive empath & I'm sure I'm not the only one on the board. My daughter is pre-cognitive down to the smallest detail while I get overwhelming feelings of dread (never wrong tho).

We all have so much in common, that it pains me when the differences are emphasized. This is a suicide thread after all, right?

**Has anypne else noticed that the strength & accuracy of your own 'special' senses increase proportionately with the intensity & duration of your chronic illness?)

[baabr]

my husband; i feel people have to have an anchor; faith, their family, children grandchildren. for us its really just each other; our families don't really understand or want to know us

i had a really tramatic childhood; despite counseling and drugs; i have difficulty tolerating life

i actually once asked my husband; why are we doing this; this world is ugly; poverty, violence etc. but he isn't like me

i remember hearing a man say about his wife that she can't tolerate life; i feel the same way

i have worked and worked hard all my life believing only good things would happen; that didn't occur except for my husband

thats the quick answer

[cowgirl82]

i know what mean my family and friends and pets keep me going and all