so depressed,need help

[Italia]

Ciao,

I really hate to feel this way,and I'm not able to talk with my friends,or with my parents...because I feel they don't understand.

Enrico is not improving...that's the truth.He's going to be 5 year old,andthe situation is not improving.

He likes a lot to go to school,but he often gets ill,On February we spent a week at the hospital for a bronchitis,he stayed one month at home,than he came back to school,after two days he got another flu,this time is the wisconsin one.I don't know when he will come back to school,and he's also loosing speech therapy and the therapy he does at a private center.

Last year it was the same,he was always ill,he had TWO broncopneumoniae and he couldn't have a good therapy.

I don't know what to do.Maybe he should not go to school,but just to the speech therapy and the private center...I don't know.

I also don't like his therapists say that Enrico will never be able to do some things....but how can they tell this?

Is this a good approach for a therapy?

I think they're understimating Enrico,I think he's much more inteligent and understanding than they think.

But I'm his mom,and maybe I'm not objective......

Can someone tell me what can I do?

I'm really depressed.

[LIZARD]

((((((((((((((Laura))))))))))))))). :(

I'm so sorry, hon'. :( Being sick is tough for anyone, but I know that when Drew was Enrico's age, he was very difficult to deal with whenever he got sick, even with something minor, like a cold. Of course, having to be home because of sickness makes getting back into school that much more difficult, too.

As for his therapists, I would just ask them why they're so confident in saying he won't be able to do the things they have mentioned. It's really very early yet, for so many things. When Drew was 4-5 yo, there was no way to predict that he'd be where he is now, and even now, with our increased optimism and seeing him turn developmental corners all the time, we have gone from "He'll never..." to "He might..." and even "He'll probably..." or "He'll eventually..." :) All I can say is: Never lose hope! Keep encouraging him and working with him on his weak areas. Someone has to succeed and defy the numbers. Why shouldn't he? :)


Hang in, and keep the faith!

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))),

LIZARD :)

[Mother's Heart]

((((Laura))))

I'm sorry it feels so rough right now. It can be such a long road with long stretches of time that feel like things don't change.

I remember reading and hearing that age 4 and 5 yrs are the worst times in he life of an autistic child....and therefore the most difficult for parents.
"they' say that age 6 yrs is the best....often accompanied by a spurt of really exciting progress.

Knowing about that, when my son was an early 4 yrs old and only diagnosed 6 months I remember thinking, Well! if this is as bad as it gets this is quite manageable. hmmmph! I had no idea how much more severe the autistic behaviours were going to get, very soon. 4 and 5 WERE pretty bad, especially in regards to progress. Total lack of progress is most of what I saw, when he wasn't actually regressing. It didn't get me down much but I don't know if I really knew that things were going to improve in the future. I guess I was just okay with him how he was at the time...not that it was easy. And I couldn't even begin to imagine the future.

I certainly would never have imagined that Donovan would improve, and improve SO much as time went on. Donovan's health was poor until after he was 7 yrs old. The health struggles definitely contributed to the rough times. I can sympathize with your questions about how to handle school vs not school in light of the sicknesses. Donovan missed about 60% of school...especially during the fall/winter. It was hard.

I dont' know if I would keep him in school if I had to do it over again. Maybe I would have him attend in summer instead of winter, if I could make that an option...but then, I'm kind of jealous of our time together in the summertime. It's a hard call to make.

I do think that I would be even more aggressive in pursuing a way to identify the bases of his health issues and be more aggressive in treating and trying to eliminate the source. We tended to taking care of him through his illnesses, but nobody was agressive about identifying root causes and taking enough action to end them. It helped a lot when his health improved.

about that therapist who says he will never do this or that: .I find that very discouraging. They can't know,....not really. I rather prefer the attitude of one of our therapists whose usual answer to the question how is he doing or do you think he can learn this? was ALWAYS a smile and "I'm hopeful". She always said, "I'm hopeful". :) It really bothers me that you have a therapist saying 'he will never'. They don't know that. They are dooming the success of his therapy, at least for those things they don't think he will do before they even try. I've seen way too many kids defy the odds and do things that no one ever expected them to be able to do to believe it when a professional says 'never'.

I can't tell you what to do..i'm not that wise...but I can say that it is okay for you to keep believing in him..and keep expecting for him to progress to better and better. He can do it, but he won't do it unless Mamma believes he can. You are the best thing for him, of all the people or ideas that he will encounter. Nothing matters as much as his Mamma's love and faith in him. Just keep hoping. Better times will come. I believe it.


whether it is that mama is not objective I cannot say....but I DO know that very very often only mama knows her child well enough to see the potential in him. Others only see the surface, and they colour that with their book outlines of what to expect and their stereotypes of what an autistic child can do. (can't do too.) they are often wrong. YOU see him most clearly. You understand him best. So even if you just have to listen to them say he can't, but remember in your heart that he can...just keep remembering, he can. Someday you will be able to look back and see what a long way he has come, how much he has learned and how much he has accomplished; and you will be able to go back to those people and say "See? See what my boy did? You just didn't see all that he is."

I think you are probably right. They probably ARE underestimating him.

I know my son was very much underestimated. It was a long time before he showed what he can do...but he was learning it all along. It was so hard for him to show on the outside who he is on the inside.

I'd better be quiet now.
Hugs, and more hugs, and keep hanging in there.
cj




btw: Our Autism doc claimed that the reason there are so many supposedly promising therapies out there that claim wonderful benefits is because there is that natural period of improvement in autistic kids when they are 6-7 yrs old..and that coincides with when parents would get around to trying various therapies. So whatever they tried when the kid was in that age range seemed to be the wonderful answer to helping.

edit: and another thing: When that day comes, and your Enrico is showing what he can do...remember YOUR joy will be so much greater after having carried him through these struggles than is the joy of parents of a typical child doing the same thing. You will understand the beauty of the accomplishment, and take so much more pleasure in your boy's pride. If it comes easily to the child, the parent misses much of the joy, and doesn't grow to understand.

[tgrimes]

When was the last time you had an enjoyable moment with enrico? Not a whole day, or even an hour just a while....
Where were you, what were you doing, who else was there, what colors smells or sounds, do you remember?
When you figure it out, go talk to enrico, describe as much as you can, and see if he nods his head or remembers. And then hug him, tell him you love him, and you just wanted to say what a good time you had that day too.

Then cherish that memory till the next time you have one.
It's what you DO have right now. Focus on it.

And if you listen to what I or others tell you to do, do it because it makes sense, or you feel like it, or it fits in with your own parenting philosophy.... but never because you feel desperate, out of options, or like you 'should'.

[milivica]

I want to say something that will make you confident, make you throw back your shoulders, hold your head up and have not doubt what so ever that Enrico will be as independent and happy as you dream...wife, kids, great job.

Sometimes when we look at our kids, we become terrified of their future, mostly fearing 'what will he do without me someday, who will understand him, take care of him, will he be happy?'. But don't you think, that is caused by talking only to people that are not autistic? Or looking at your child at 5 and imagining him acting still that way at 50 (which he won't).

I have those moments of terror too, but I HAVE TO BELIEVE that my faith, love and butt stubbornness will make things work out. There is no proof what so ever that our kids won't all succeed tremendously in the future, your son will be in good company with 1 in 166 other people on the planet on the autistic spectrum, including myself and my son. I have had far more pain in my life trying to figure out what was wrong with me, than just LIVING my life. Autism does NOT = unhappy or bad life.

Yet, I have to admit, I have spent 11 years being more like a teacher and dietician and biomedical researcher (mad crazed scientist) and therapist than a mother. I didn't really often feel like my son's mother, but I'm finally starting to. And Tgrimes post (above) reminds me, that's something I really need to stop and do every day, take time to just be his mom, enjoy something together, and make a conscious 'bookmark' to really feel that great feeling, that great moment, of just enjoying his childhood with him.

And if he starts flapping and screaming and takes a little poop just when you start enjoying his childhood, either enjoy that with humor, or start again in 1/2 hour or so, hee hee.

Keep telling yourself and BELIEVE it as you say it, "It's going to be ok, It's going to be ok."

Sar* bene cosí,
Buonanotte

ps. I hope that Italian was correct, I looked it up online.

[MaryEvelyn]

(((hugs)))

[Italia]

Thanks to all of you......:)
I really hope it will be like you say.....
I'm afraid I'm depressed,it's a long time I feel tired,without energy...and I feel such a terrible mother...

this morning I was alone at home with Enrico ,who's ill and very nervous,I was on the phone and Enrico,who really hates when my attention isn't all for him,turned a glass of water upside down the floor and at the same time he slid on water......of course he cried......I cried too,just because in that moment it was too much to me.....well Enrico stopped to cry,he cupped my chin in his hands,and he smiled me,like he was saying:-Take it easy mom!-

Do you understand what a sweet and caring boy I have?
I think I need to go to a doctor

[mc4_a]

Age 6 was when my daughter made some huge improvements. Think of it like how children get taller. It happens in spurts. Sometimes they don't move forward very quickly and other times they surprise you.

Keep a journal of all the stuff he is improving on. It's very easy to forget because you're always looking ahead.

[peglem]

With my daughter, every period of stagnation or regression was followed by a spurt of wonderful progress. I don't know how hard it is for you to switch therapists, but, if they believe he is not capable then they aren't apt to get much out of him.

well Enrico stopped to cry,he cupped my chin in his hands,and he smiled me,like he was saying:-Take it easy mom!-

This is so cool!

[Laura P]

More hugs from Maryland for you, Italia! Yes, your boy's got a lot of good in there, it's just difficult for him to show it as easily as neurotypical children!

A couple of things I have learned (my Sierra is almost 12, so we've had 10 years to deal with this):

1. You need to get some help for yourself, or you won't be able to help Enrico. Depression is common enough without the problems of parenting an autistic child, so do what you need to do to get yourself energetic and stable enough to handle the ups and downs. For me, it was an antidepressant medication; for others, it is something else. Go see your own doctor and don't hold back your emotions--you need to be honest with him or her, and honestly tell how you are feeling. Then you can come up with a plan.

2. Health issues alone will make him feel poorly, so get Enrico's physical health taken care of too. This time of year is hard on kids--all the microbes all over their environments (school in particular), and if he is prone to bronchitis, that also contributes. Get a full health check up for him--see if he is harboring any antibiotic-resistant bacteria, if he has tonsilitis (that can contribute to strep throat and other respiratory illnesses), etc. Once you have tackled this, THEN worry about the therapies

3. Very important--you are in this for the long haul, so missing some speech therapy appointments will not scar him for life. It just feels that way to you, because we parents look for constant and consistent progress, and kids don't really work that way, even the typical ones!

I'm rooting for you! You have good help here, and a great kid, and people who will champion and cheer Enrico's progress. I know, because 8 years ago, when I found this forum, I was in the same place you are. Sierra is an amazing kid, and I regret the times that I didn't notice it because I was so worried about her "catching up". Not that I don't do that sometimes now, but I can see the fine qualities of my girl now, that I couldn't then.

Hugs,
Laura (in America!)

[Isabelle]

It's sad when there is no support available to a mother dealing with an autistic child.

Laura, your child is 5, mine is 32 and the world hasn't improved much....:( but being old, alone and all, there is still some HOPE, with some wicked sense of humour, inside me that keeps me going....and some chocolate with hazelnuts doesn't hurt :D :o :rolleyes:

The situation is worse when there is no support and understanding from family and friends. I know all about that.

Sorry,Laura, that you feel so alone and depressed.

Let's have a pity party for Laura!!!!

I wish we all could go there to give you hugs and a few minutes of rest.

(((((HUGE HUGS)))))

[LIZARD]

he cupped my chin in his hands,and he smiled me,like he was saying:-Take it easy mom!-

Oh, wow...!! As a great book says, "there's a boy in [t]here"! :D This brings tears to my eyes, seriously. I think that is solid evidence that you have a lot less to worry about than you think. :) If he can make that emotional connection with you at such a young age with an autism dx, I think you can say he's on his way. :)


((((((((((HUGS))))))))))),

LIZARD :)

[LIZARD]

With my daughter, every period of stagnation or regression was followed by a spurt of wonderful progress.

This has been true for my son, too. :) I'm thinkin' it may be a fairly common--and maybe even typical--course of development for our kids. :) (I guess that means he's about to take another developmental leap. He's been a serious p.i.t.a. for the past several months--all attitude. :rolleyes: )


LIZARD :)

[Mother's Heart]

well Enrico stopped to cry,he cupped my chin in his hands,and he smiled me,like he was saying:-Take it easy mom!-


How very eloquent he is!

[Mother's Heart]

((((HUGS))))

cj

[Pamster]

I know we're told our kids don't comprehend other people's emotional state, but I know what you said about Enrico cupping your chin and smiling shows he could tell you were upset and he wanted to cheer you up. I can tell you from my own experience that my son (ten yr old) will say, "Why cry?" or "Don't Cry..." when he sees tears down my face. I have this annoying problem of watery eyes so he somtiems notices that I have tears rolling down my face when I've been yawning and can't help but have the watery eyes going on.

Point is our kids can and DO understand our emotional states, I really do believe that they do. I know it's hard right now, but I can say it was my experience that things did get better around 6-9. Ten has been a rough age though, and I don't know how much is the environment around him at school changing or how much is pre-puberty hormonal changes going on. Hang in there Italia. ((((((hugs))))))