if i feel suicidal or am ideating, etc

[waves]

can i post here to vent, and talk? I think it might help "defuse" me, i don't know... just a thought. I decided to ask when i saw that Chat Mod 1 intervened in a post and was very supportive and did not slam dunk the person about freedom to express how they feel, even to ... that point.

I don't feel i "fit" or i am a sissy survivor, if you will... mostly i don't have the guts, so i'm still here. but i've never tried and failed. well, once i did sort of but it was such a ludicrous attempt it was more a cry for help i think, really. i don't know tho. I did end up in ER where they treated me like dirt.

i have had to move back with my parents so it would even be hard for me to find a time... i don't have meds to od - i know my meds, and yes, i checked toxicity levels - only to end up in ER and even possibly checked in, with very uncomfortable sx, i shall say no more.

i dunno, am i a "survivor of suicide" just because each day i fight off the thoughts?

i am bipolar and recent times the feelings are so gutwrenchingly destructive that ... well sometimes all my thoughts about not leaving such a burden of pain and guilt on my parents, with all their loving shortcomings and all. I can still recognize they love me. But times all that... it just goes... reasoning out the window. and times i feel afraid... i feel it coming.

So, these things said, emmm, am i a "survivor" of suicide?

~ waves ~ across too many emotional states at once

[Mott]

can i post here to vent, and talk? I think it might help "defuse" me, i don't know... just a thought. I decided to ask when i saw that Chat Mod 1 intervened in a post and was very supportive and did not slam dunk the person about freedom to express how they feel, even to ... that point.

Hi waves,

I can't say with any authority what is and isn't off topic on the boards, but know that the topic of suicude has come up on at least 1 occcasion in chat where CM1 has personally talked to the person for several hours through the night in an attempt to help them through suicidal feelings, and that she isn't the only person to have done so.

We'd all like to see you in chat sometime too, waves. You don't have to worry about "fitting in", everybody is welcome.

I used to deal with thoughts of suicide on a daily basis. I don't think about it like I used to, but know what you're going through. I do have to watch myself or I get morbid at times and know that's not the right state of mind to be in. Being in chat helps, in that I know I have friends there. Whether or not that makes you a survivor of suicide I don't know, but you've survived those thought up to this point. Don't let them get you down now.

Mott

[Buttons2]

Waves, I believe anyone on this thread is welcome to express themselves. Whether they've attempted suicide or know someone that actually did it.

You express yourself very well, sure you would be an asset to the chat rooms!

I'm relieved to hear you say you're dealing with your issues & don't want to cause your parents to suffer. Be grateful you have them for support, as I'm sure you do.

You can write anything you feel a need to write on here. Suicide needs to be discussed. If we are wanting to end it-we need the support of others' to keep us going!

We all have those dark times when we wonder why we keep going, but everyday can bring something into our lives that has meaning-even if it's just connecting with someone on BT.

Take care,Buttons

[waves]

Hi, nice to meet you both Mott and Buttons

Buttons did you ever frequent the Bipolar forum... your name sounds familiar...?

i don' know what's left and much less what's right nowadays.

i had made a pact with my african violet that i would not attempt because it was starting to go into bloom, and the pact was "until it finished blooming." it made a beautiful flowering... now the blooms are dying one by one...

thank you again for your warm welcome.

~ waves ~ from across the ocean

[waves]

I used to deal with thoughts of suicide on a daily basis.i am, at this time. rough sketch of a will, time windows, and investigations as to risk not adding to my parents' and my own burdens by going comatose orsomething.

[Mott]

i am, at this time. rough sketch of a will, time windows, and investigations as to risk not adding to my parents' and my own burdens by going comatose orsomething.

Hi waves,

No matter what, if you go ahead and kill yourself it will have a much larger impact on everyone aorund you than you could imagine. I have had friends and family members kill themselves and it's something that I think about on a regular basis and eats at me, tortures me, still even though it's been several years ago. If only I had known there might have been something that I could have done, the slightest little gesture might have prevented it from happening.

I know things look bad right now from where you're standing, but they aren't as bad as they seem and can get better.

Please, if you're feeling that bad, call the Suicide Hotline now so somebody can speak to you in real time, waves.

Mott

[Buttons2]

Hey there Waves, you just pinch off those old blooms,add a touch of fertilizer,and the blooms will be back in no time!!

You can't leave now anyway, we need to know you are still here! This forum has kept me going @ times!

Mott is soooooo on target about how it affects other people when someone commits suicide, it's been over 20 yrs since a family member did it & haunts me that I didn't see it coming. I can guarantee it would devastate your family!!

I have no idea what your health problems are or your situation, but I urge you to do whatever it takes to keep waking up every morning. Some people don't have that choice-you do!

Also, I think you should call a hot-line also. We are here for you but if you're thinking of this everyday-then you need help. It's out there, all you have to do is make the call. Perhaps there's a support group near where you live. Please check out the lifelines available to you!

Becoming comatose? Now that's a really bad thought don't ya think? Can you imagine what that would do to people who love you?

I tried suicide with pills, ended up in hospital both times. This was over 30 yrs ago, the experience wasn't pleasant. This isn't the movies where the plot is final, things go wrong in real life! I could just say that God will take you when it's your time.....I truly do believe that. And I'm not religious.

On the old BT (before the breakdown), we had a guy on this thread named Army, he had a terminal illness. He had a life of drastic suffering,horrid things had happened to him......but everyday he found the strength to hold on. And by doing so he gave many of us here the courage to face each new day. I woke up everyday & first thing I did was log on here to see if he was OK. This was last year......when he finally did pass away I cried for him as though he was a family member.

Then you'll never guess what I did to keep on going.....I adopted a big mutt! There's a whole story behind that but let me just say it was the most weird thing I've ever done in my life! Everyone thought I'd finally lost my brain for sure! Well, he's still with me & forces me to get up everyday to care for him. I saved him from the dog pound & he saved me from killing myself. This is a fact.He needs me & I need him.

Now that african violet needs you but I suspect that's not quite enough? Do you feel like sharing more of your story? We care.....

Hang in there & I'll tell you more stories!
Buttons

[Chat Moderator #1]

Hi waves,

As others have said, please come into the FlashChat chat room. There are almost always people in there who are willing to talk and to listen.

The only time the chat room is empty is usually between about 3:00 am and 7:00 am eastern time. Other times, you will usually find someone in there to talk to.

Please come into the chat room and chat with us.

Our door is always open and anyone is welcome. We are not trained in suicide prevention but we are caring and friendly people.

Sincerely,
Chat Moderator #1
FlashChat