Hi mili

[tgrimes]

See you here hope you are feeling good again. Did you take that vanilla bubble bath yet?

[bilby]

I was trying to post an image but can't remember how to ... sorry 'bout that

[bilby]

triple posted, sorry

[bilby]

http://brain.hastypastry.net/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=631&d=1172557453

[milivica]

Bilby...wowwwwww, you sure know what pics to post for me! I'm guessing that's some kind of mating/breeding foam, I saw that once on tv but now I can't remember exactly what it's for.

Hi Grimey :) ,
Well, nope actually I'm not feeling better, and I feel really uncomfortable saying that cause I don't want you to feel a burden somehow, know what I mean? Or that you shouldn't have asked. But my house is very much getting organized and cleaner. I'm desperate to stop constantly thinking about all things school (all things bad that are going on with school I mean) but can't. Here's most of an email I sent today to kind of explain a bit:

I'm for some reason still very effected by the last school meeting, perseverating on it constantly. Today I received a letter by the director of student services who appointed herself 'facilitator' at the IEP's ever since I was banned. She's the only one that talks, everyone else kind of looks down. Well, she sent a letter today that is so unbalanced it's crazy, she actually makes a point to state I pointed my finger at the associate principal. Which I don't remember, but if I did, SO? Cripe sakes, the multitude of neurotypical gestures I'd have to memorize AND circumstances and variances when it is and isn't ok to use them, forget it. See, that's part of being on the spectrum, it makes me very easy to be set up by bullies like school administration. Funny, she left out the part in the letter, where she was rubbing the assistant principal's arm and asking her over and over "Is Lisa making you feel threatened" to which the assistant principal just stared at her with a frozen face...my guess is, she was thinking 'Cmon, don't make me say this, how far are we going to take this game'.

So please excuse me if I sound different or something. I'm very miserable and can't seem to get out of it. It's like everyone in the room feels the lack of pressure and challenge 1+1 provides, yet feel I'm having to run multiple calculus programs just to sit at the table, not rock, not hum (monotone, not an actual song), maintain eye contact, LISTEN to what is MEANT even though it's not SAID, listen to what is said even though it's not meant - and know the difference magically decoding the whole while doing body checks (am I sitting upright not leaning funny, where are my eyes looking, what did she just say I was checking my posture and eyes, where are my feet - ok still not infringing over the invisible line to the other feet under the table, don't want them to think I'm making a lesbie pass, what did she just say this time, I was worrying about my feet....it just goes on and on the overwhelmingness of trying to manually have abilities I don't automatically have - or - I could just be myself and be viewed as broken and crazy, though I'm not sure my 'normal' imitation is much better.

However, I must state that around people I feel safe around (all animals, most kids till they get good at being diabolical, most old ppl, all 'crazy' people) I can 'relax' and actually try to have fun. Know what I mean? See, I have an INSANE amount of feeling inside that I want to do right and please others, but, there's this other side of me that cannot and will not do wrong in the areas that make us human beings or ethics or what ever that's called where you cannot sell out. Kick folks when they're down is another I can't do, but, if they were really mean to me I'd tell them I can't help them up cause that wouldn't be fair to me for all the meanness they did.

So I'm just really pretty lost since that meeting. Here is a link to a friend I knew on our forum as Alfamb. She was always very clear and logical and never wordy like me, which she or maybe it was someone else teased no way was I autistic, I was a textbook talkative Aspie. I've spoken with her here and there years, I don't understand why she makes so much more sense to me but not some others, she couldn't be more clear. Anyhow, here's the link http://www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/02/21/autism.amanda/index.html try and watch all of her videos, she's very very good and explaining autism in words. I like how she explains why 'normal' communication doesn't really work for us, but what choice do I have??? Do it school's way, or, just let them continue to babysit but not educate Vincent. A deaf person wouldn't be expected to close their eyes half the time at an IEP with no sign language, a blind person wouldn't be expected to read an IEP written only partially in braile, but folks like me who understand individual words...but do not understand them when you put them all together, there's no slack or justice for us, it's like invisible, and we're just outta luck. At least my friend is so visibly autistic, she gets slack (both good and bad). Anyhow, I don't want or need pity, but I sure would like to really understand what the heck is being said at those IEP's. That's why I don't remember so much of what is said and done...my mind is SO BUSY running these 'normal act' programs, plus the communication deficits (receptive only in my case) God can you sort of see why I 'black out' most of what is said and done? I'm too busy trying to manually absorb and manually block out, all I'm 'supposed' to.

But I still like you every bit as much as always, so please don't think I'm mad at you, I'm just mad at all kinds of other things, well depressed more than mad really.

Ok Grimey, that was about it. I better hit the sack. Talk to you soon and thank you and Bilby for the post, and the cool crab sex foam pic - don't get banned;) !

My Love to you guys,
Mili

[bilby]

heh heh!!!

Glad you dug the pic ... sorry things are so sh*tty.

Hope you get some sleep soon and don't have nightmares about school and IEP's and NT's.

[milivica]

Some of my best friends are nt's ;)

Seriously, there are often divides between nt and asd in some neurological areas, yes, but not any divides as people. The only true 'divide' there is between folks, is good folks and bad folks. Those that somehow feel better by making others feel worse which I don't understand one bit, and those that feel better by making others feel better like everyone here.

I've (online) met many aspies that kind of deem all nt's 'evil' or as having it made, having an easy life cause they're nt. Although some aspects are easier, I'm sure some are also harder...it must be so, you can't have a plus without also having a minus, that ying yang thing. So anyhow, as I vent about school, I'm venting about administration nt's which I would imagine are a different breed (so to speak) every bit as much as folks in the Mafia are a different breed. With the ACCEPTION of the now retired superintendent of our school district. He was absolutely wonderful, he just seems to 'know' all kids, what they need, how to treat them firm but loving, oh he was just a Godsend to us when he was there. You could give him any people problem, and it was like as each word you spoke came out your mouth, he sorted it into his brain so the second you were done talking he had a total picture of how to make things work for any child with any disability in any situation. My husband and I have wonderful memories of him, he was absolutely in the right job to match his spirit. He was rough or aggressive with folks that didn't mean well, and respectful and LOYAL in a way I can't explain to all the kids. Well, so that's a fond memory. We were lucky to have him in our lives at all, at least we can tell the difference between good and bad.

[MomOTwins]

Mili, in your last post you talked about the retired superintendent of schools and how you could really relate to him (and he could really relate to the kids' needs). Is there any chance you could talk to him about what you could possibly do to help resolve/address the situation at Vince's school? He might have some ideas or suggestions OR could even help as an unofficial advocate. What do you think? Worth pursuing?

[milivica]

I did think about that, but I'm guessing it's either a real pushy thing for me to do (we don't know eachother other than his wonderful help three years ago). I suppose I could try that, I have thought about it. His name is in the phone book so I could try. I'm just so sure he'll say he can't sort of walk into school territory on my son's side in any capacity cause that'd be wrong somehow...know what I mean? I feel like I'd be asking him to make himself uncomfortable, like this isn't even his job anymore. I dunno, what do you think?

[peglem]

I think you'd be no worse off than you are now. Just explain that you don't want to place him in an uncomfortable situation but you've appreciated his help and advice in the past...I'd start by just asking for suggestions or advice and see where it goes from there. He may not be willing, but if he is, I bet he still has connections. If nothing else, he'll be flattered that you were so happy with his help in the past and feel that the district suffered a great loss when he retired.

[milivica]

>>>>Just explain that you don't want to place him in an uncomfortable situation but you've appreciated his help and advice in the past...I'd start by just asking for suggestions or advice and see where it goes from there.

Yeah, that's a good idea when you put it that way. I think I'll write him though, I think that would be easier for both of us, and give him an out more easily which I wouldn't mind him doing - afterall even though he was a great guy that was his job, I dunno how I'd feel if I were asked to do what I'm going to ask him. But, if I explain the situation and as what he thinks, that leaves it all open for him to do what he is or isn't comfy with.

Thank you.

I have to prepare all this in writing anyhow, so I'll prepare it for him too.

[peglem]

Good idea to write. Gives you time to think carefully without worrying how to respond to what he says.